I Don’t Lie to Myself or Other People
I have seen so many people doing and being what I can’t be and sometimes, I do get jealous. It’s an issue that I have to solve on my own but yeah….I mean, my therapist didn’t call me a hater or anything. I labeled myself that because it was glaringly obvious.
A lot of my friends and family have been going on vacations and I’m just here working and trying to take care of my kid and the animals. It’s like a whole second job just to be able to go on a vacation.
I don’t like parties and a bunch of people but I just want to do one thing…..go to a beach with pretty water and just be alone.
I can’t do that though because I have to make plans for the child, the dog, and cat. It’s more work getting to a vacation than anything.
I just want to see the water. I have gone and stood in water and just smiled to the point of almost crying. I just like pretty water and we don’t have that in the DMV. So I have to travel to get to that water. I went to Barbados once. Beautiful water. I need to just get a new passport at this point. I have to get one for my daughter too because I want her to travel as we didn’t when I was a child.
I am sorry that I am jealous of people for doing what they are able to do with the means they have but… sometimes I am.
People have houses and people to support them financially and I’m over here eating noodles and trying not to get on the pole because….well, I would break a pole anyway.
I will work on it. It’s a process. What can you do but lay in the bed you made for yourself? I try to do better for my child and it’s not really appreciated and that’s hard too. I got her hair done and she still won’t clean her room and she found a way to have her hair looking like Coolio but that’s another story for another day. I was just in a crappy space today. At least it was therapist day.
I’ll do better. Just thought I would share. Is it embarrassing? No, there are a lot of jealous people in this world. At least I have the balls to admit it so there’s that. And acknowledging the issue is the first step. I’ll do better.