I’d Rather Be Manic

This mess is for the birds, for real. Being depressed and unmotivated gets you nothing in life. I’m over here gaining weight even though I work out. Feeling suicidal daily is fun and reading psychiatric charts makes it even more fun. People have some very creative ways of attempting but they don’t succeed. Therefore, I can’t follow their lead.

The things I used to love to do don’t make me happy anymore. I literally don’t enjoy playing my little games on my phone. I now feel as though they are a job.

I don’t think I can blame the new med. It’s supposed to help my current med work better. So far, it’s been almost three months and I don’t feel better. I don’t really feel much of a difference. I will email my psychiatrist about it.

Being manic gets more things done. I don’t even feel like writing very important blogs about feelings and conversations about mental health that I want to share.

I get in the bed and get mad. I throw my phone down in disgust and just go to sleep. I go to sleep extra early, wake up at around 2, and stay up and down until 5 when it’s time to wake up.

Kpop doesn’t make me happy anymore. I find myself missing my favorite podcasts and not caring about when they come out.

My words and thoughts might be manic at this time but it’s just the depression pouring out. And I haven’t even touched the surface.

Feels like drowning and then someone throws you a lifejacket filled with rocks because you’re already bogged down and everything is so heavy you can’t get up. Even my legs are heavy because I have gained so much weight.

This is all off the top of my head but this is how I am feeling. Again, I would rather be manic. I would be hyper and better at whatever goal I’m trying to achieve.

Published by tallgirl79

Blogging about life. Well, my life. As a black, bipolar, mom to a teenager with special needs, well, there is always a story to tell. From my aversion to having a man to my weird experiences while trying to avoid people, it's all there. Being me is.... different but it always makes for good blogs.

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