I still am not well. My daughter is being great. She’s over here making me laugh. They have not filled my new prescription and I’m just over here existing pretty much.
One thing I was thinking about was how diseased my brain is. My brain is so diseased that I am afraid to BE happy because I think that the universe is going to pay me back for wishing death on myself.
The very minute that I am happy, maybe find someone, maybe have everything I really wanted, I’m gonna die of cancer, get hit by a car, or someone’s gonna shoot me. This is what my diseased mind thinks. Is it crazy? It is. And that fear will keep me in this place until I can find a way out of it.
I see too many bad things happen to good people and wish that it was me instead. I mean, my “snitch” friends have been through a lot of adversity and it pisses me off because they are truly good people that deserve so much in life.
Things are looking up for them and that makes me extremely happy but, when things aren’t going well for them, I genuinely am pissed like it happened to me even though it didn’t.
I also still haven’t heard from my roommate and I have inboxed two people on Facebook that might be her family. I am hoping that they respond. Tell me something, ya know?
I’ll get back on the topic of my stay in a little bit but all I did today was take my daughter to Taekwondo (she got her yellow belt today), ran on the treadmill for a little bit (got my 10k steps at least), and slept for hours.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Wednesday. We might have to make those appointments more often as I had gone down from weekly to biweekly to monthly to every three months. I’m pretty sure that’s about to change. I still have my therapist too. I’m just really in a weird space.