Abstaining from Love – Why I Did It for So Long

I know the title is kind of silly sounding but that’s exactly what I have been doing for many years and I had to do a lot of self evaluation to figure out what was going on and why I was doing this. There are layers to this that started from when I was a young girl.  Unconsciously, it impacted me well into my adulthood.

What Is Abstaining from Love?

Abstaining from love is basically closing your heart to loving and being loved.

Why I Did (not do) it?

I have had a few “best” friends in my life.  There were actually three when I was a child.  One was a white girl named Adrienne.  I still think about her to this very day.  We went to elementary school together and she was also a Jehovah’s Witness.  When I was around the age of 12, her family moved to Florida.  I had written to her and she wrote to me.  I had gotten her some little horse stationary because she loved horses and I planned to write to her often.  One day, my letter came back as “Return to Sender”.  I never heard from her again.  As a child, that can really mess you up because one letter got through so why didn’t the other?  Sounds dumb BUT tell that to a pre teen.  The one girl that you loved so much was gone as well as your means for communication.  Seems petty, cool.\

I had another friend named Francesca who had two sisters.  We used to hang out a lot.  They were (and still are) gorgeous so I was always the “ugly friend” but those were my girls.  Pops was in pharmaceutical sales.  They moved to New Jersey.  Second set of friends gone.  I visited them a few times in New Jersey and then life happened and we weren’t able to talk anymore for a while.  Now, I see them all on Instagram but it will never be the way it was.

Finally, there was my bestie (she’s still my bestie to this day) named Nikki.  We literally probably knew one another since birth.  We lived two doors down from one another, we hung out a lot and just became like sisters even though I have two sisters.  Guess who moved to flippin Denver, CO when we were teenagers?  That’s right, Nikki did.  NOW, she did come back because I kind of had a bit of a hand in it and we are still besties BUT that was strike number three of sorts.

This sounds petty and dumb, doesn’t it?  Well, things impact people in different ways.  Because these people all were somehow taken away from me, I decided not to get attached to people.  Another friend of mine (that also got married and moved to a whole nuther country) also pointed it out to me.

How it Impacted my Dating Relationships

I didn’t date much.  I think I literally have been in maybe ONE long term relationship with a man.  That man was my ex fiance.  He was (and still is) a very good man.  I have probably talked about him in my other blogs here because my breaking his heart still haunts me to this day.  He truly loved me and I could tell just by how he treated me, talked to me, wanted to be with me, etc.

I don’t know if it was self sabotage or what but I wouldn’t allow myself to truly love him because I thought something was going to take him away from me.  And someone did:  ME.  I pushed him away from me and it wasn’t fair to him.  I tell people all the time that he deserved better and he found better.  And I can be nothing but HAPPY for that man because everyone deserves to be happy and I was too young, immature, and selfish to understand what I had at the time.  When we broke off our engagement, everyone wanted to know what HE did and I pointed it out VERY quickly that I was the cause of the demise of that relationship.

I don’t regret it because I learned a lot about myself.  This was about 20 years ago now. I’m a totally different person BUT what I THOUGHT was a relationship and true love also pushed me to not welcoming love.  I think I wrote about the one guy that dragged me along for about 3 years and told me, after all the time we spent together talking about our future and all that, that we weren’t even dating here.  Even my male best friend kind of kicked me to the curb.  Got married and I couldn’t even get an invite to the wedding (some best friend, huh?)  I mean, we’re cool and I love him very much but I’m not messing up a marriage so I keep my distance.  I wasn’t good enough for him so that’s cool as well (and no, I’m not saying it with bitterness because, if I allow it, there is someone out there for me).

People talk about how pretty, funny, and real I am but they don’t really want ME.  And that’s cool.  I have seen how quickly I can be thrown away.  Maybe they are afraid of being loved as well, I don’t know but two damaged people can’t be together so I guess it’s natural selection.  LOL

The guy that I referred to in my last post as The Most Patient Guy in the World has literally been pursuing me for years.  In that time, I think maybe I have been in worthless relationships and he might have been in one too.  But we were always cordial.  We met on Plenty of Fish AND Ok Cupid which is kind of funny. This dude has literally been around making me laugh and I have been there returning the laughs and support when needed because I feel that I personally need to provide friends and people that I am interested in with mental, spiritual, and sometimes physical support.  It’s something I pride myself on.  I might not like many people but the few that I like will tell you that I support those I care about.

Unfortunately, TMPGITW is in a field that could get him hurt or killed.  This mere fact made it so that I wasn’t trying to get anywhere near close to him.  Why? Fear that I would get attached to him and something would take him from me. As you guys know, I have a therapist and a psychiatrist.  I went ahead and told her the situation and why I have been ducking all advances.  She asked me if I told him about it.  I hadn’t.  Funny thing is:  The people I care about have known about this guy for years and have been telling me that you can’t live your life in fear.  I turned around and told the therapist and she told me to go ahead and tell him and see what he says or does.  Being honest might help.

What Happened?

Well, I went ahead and told him and he was blown away.  All this time, he thought I wasn’t interested.  He thought that I was just blowing him off.  He didn’t know how much I talked about him and how my friends had been telling me to give him a chance to show his interest in me.  Communication is very important and I say this all the time.  Sometimes I don’t know how to practice what I preach.  People are telling me not to block my blessings, I’m trying.  But I put myself out there.

At least he knows where my head is and he took a day off to take me around to be silly (see Doing Things for Yourself Can Be Fun).  What dude takes you to look at engagement rings without being scared or thinking you’re a total nut?  I mean, yes, he thinks I am a total nut and I heckled him the whole time we were out but we did some talking.  Well, I talked because he doesn’t really talk much but I’ll fix that.  LOL

The Future

I pride myself on being honest regarding my feelings and being “real” but this topic as to where my issues come from is important to know. Now I have to figure out how to rectify it.  Just as I figured out my triggers and came up with plans to avoid said triggers, I have to now figure out how to adjust my thinking.  This will be a process because having attachment issues isn’t an easy thing to get over.  It’s also why I don’t introduce my daughter to prospects until I feel that it’s going to be long term (that didn’t work out that well for me with that dude that I spent years with who said that we weren’t dating).  I don’t want to damage my daughter when it comes to men so she knows my family and people that I see weekly as friends.

I’ll get myself together but my main message is that everyone is the way they are for a reason.  It’s up to us to figure it out either alone or with a little help. There is nothing wrong with it.  The next step is to go ahead and work on it but you have to get to the root of the problem to grow from it.  If you don’t love and life can pass you by.

Published by tallgirl79

Blogging about life. Well, my life. As a black, bipolar, mom to a teenager with special needs, well, there is always a story to tell. From my aversion to having a man to my weird experiences while trying to avoid people, it's all there. Being me is.... different but it always makes for good blogs.

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