Let’s Recap This Mess of a Trial (5/16-5/17/2022)

Camille Didn’t Come to Play

Camille Vasquez is the MVP of yesterday and today. She has been in charge of the cross examination of Amber Heard. In addition to pissing AH off, she pissed off Elaine, AH’s lawyer that can’t get a question out to save her life because Camille wasn’t having it.

Although Camille started her cross examination yesterday afternoon, she took no time getting to the point. People were somehow confused how the cross was so short. Easily: Camille didn’t have to do or say a thing to prove that AH was a liar.

The biggest highlight for yesterday was the great debate in semantics using the words “donate” and “pledge”. AH refused to actually answer to the fact that she pledged but did NOT pay the money that she claimed she did on a Danish talk show to the ACLU and Children’s Hospital. She literally said, “I don’t want Johnny’s money.” Okay, so if you didn’t want the money, why not just sign the whole thing over to who you said you were going to give it to?

Instead, she made a payment, JD made a payment, and Elon Musk made a payment “on her behalf”. She continuously tried to argue with Camille what the difference between a “pledge” and a “donation” were. That went on for a good number of minutes to the point that the judge was annoyed (just as we were).

Another great talking point was the fact that Camille was confused as to how AH had all this proof of JD passing out and beating up cabinets but had scant proof of all the “injuries” she suffered.

Tuesday, May 17th

Today started out with a bang. It really did. I was trying to watch it while I was at my GYN appointment (which happened to be in Fairfax, VA). I think that two of the highlights for me were when AH claimed that no woman walks out of the house with a bruise on her face, but she ignored her own statement by going to get the restraining order and having a “photo shoot” at the courthouse. I have to say that I literally screamed at the contradiction.

It was also hilarious to watch Camille just show pics, ask for them to zoom in to her face, and then move on to the next pic. Just asked AH if it was her and moved on to the next pic. I almost died.

She also pointed out some staged photos that were blamed on JD such as a nice little set up of four lines of cocaine. While I have never in my life laid eyes on real cocaine in person, I don’t think it’s smart to just leave it sitting on a table with a card. I mean, one of the little dogs that stepped on a bee could have sniffed that right on up. Then what? A cool breeze could blow it away, then you’ll be mad about it.

There were other staged things such as the lighting in the one pic where AH claimed she got hit in the face with a phone. There were absolutely not changes in the pic besides the lighting which Camille pointed out looked like a filter.

Ohhhh, AH was getting perturbed at that point. She just started spouting all kinds of nonsense, claimed everyone’s stories were untrue, and that she was the only one telling the truth. The nurse lied, the police lied, the man downstairs lied too. Everyone lied but her.

She then pulled the “drug” card. The reason why she couldn’t let JD leave was because he was going to go on a drug binge, and she was worried. Yet, she as so worried that she never said a thing about it in the recordings. In fact, she called him a baby and told him to go to one of his 15 houses to run away.

I’m not for hitting women but if you follow me and make it so that I can’t leave, I won’t be responsible for what happens to you next. Let people leave so that they can diffuse the situation and calm down. Camille, however (like the rest of us), didn’t understand how pics (only) of JD sleeping were taken but no broken nose pics (usually characterized by two black eyes and a crooked nose) were not available. Medical records, a hugely important topic to me as I am a medical coder who has received subpoenas for medical records while working in medical offices, were not present to prove any of these injuries. And the bottle sexual assault notes were nowhere to be found.

Redirect with Elaine

People that don’t understand law were taken aback by how short the cross examination was. Camille didn’t need that much time to prove that AH was a liar. It’s not the amount of time that is important, it’s about the quality information you obtain.

Elaine should have just stayed in her seat and forgot the whole redirect. She got so many sustained objections that it was embarrassing. She argued with the judge, approached the bench so much that she probably beat everyone in a FitBit challenge, and just got so frustrated, she ran out of questions. She couldn’t find a way to ask questions without leading and speculation, so she just gave up.

AH was so pissed that people in the chat noticed two fatal flaws: AH got off the stand before the judge and the jury left and she just left after being told to sit by her lawyer. She probably went in the bathroom and had a tantrum (I didn’t see these things happen so you could probably consider this “hearsay”).

Depositions from IO and Rocky

IO “was” a friend of both parties and started and finished his deposition today. Basically, he said that he never saw JD hit AH but that he said some really mean things to him about AH. I think JD thought he had a friend that wouldn’t tell all his business. Put me on the stand for my best friend and I won’t recall nuffin. I won’t even know when I met them. IO seemed to get a bit of an attitude because they kept asking him the same question over and over again: whether he had ever seen JD hit AH. He said he hadn’t but the saw things like the cut hair that she claimed was pulled out of her head (see: Depp vs Heard (5/4/2022-5/5/2022) My Thoughts) and the so called bruises on her face. I will say that this guy was pretty objective although people didn’t like him or see his purpose. It made sense to me as he had received messages from JD and went with AH to Al Anon meetings. He was pretty neutral so I didn’t see him really harming or helping either person.

Rocky, a former friend of Amber’s, started her deposition testimony (nothing is in person there, so we’ll be watching folks’ old testimony instead of actually seeing them in court which is kind of annoying). Rocky talked about the fact that she and Amber no longer close and, when asked why they were no longer close, she really had no real answer except that she wanted to spend more time with other people. She was asked about AH’s usage of drugs and how often she did them. She also asked about the infamous trailer fight where no one heard anything but just saw that light fixtures were knocked off the wall and some things were on the floor. That really told nothing as to who did all the damage as it could have, again, been staged by AH.

In the End…

If you notice a tone in this post, it’s because the more I see, the more it infuriates me that AH is making a mockery of women that have actually been abused. It annoys me that people still believe her and claim to have watched the whole trial. It annoys me that she brought the #metoo movement along with the ACLU into it. It annoys me that men are saying that women are only supporting JD because we are jealous of AH. It annoys me that people think we are overlooking the fact that JD does have his own demons. No one said that JD didn’t have demons, but he fesses up to them. He has lost a lot, but he has gained a lot of respect. He is speaking out for the men that are embarrassed to state that their woman has hit them, thrown things at them, abused them verbally, etc.

As I said before, this is way bigger than JD and AH. It is showing the world that women do lie and we, as a society, have a tendency to take the woman’s side especially after the #metoo movement. And this woman took this opportunity to literally disrespect every woman that has ever been abused in her life. Again, these issues are very important, and I hope they open the door for more dialogue especially regarding men being abused because it is not unheard of but definitely underreported in heterosexual relationships.

We Walk Among You

We might not let the world know but we walk among you

We are your caregivers, your teachers, creators, lovers, entertainers

We walk among you

We tell you that everything will be okay when our world is falling apart

We walk among you

We dry your tears and listen to you so that you can feel better and so that we can find some purpose in life

We walk among you

We defend those that are called “crazy” or “weird” because many times, we are labeled that way

We walk among you

We make you laugh, think, dance, smile, FEEL

We walk among you

Photo by mason cook on Pexels.com

Who Are We?

People with mental illnesses. We try to void the stigma that we’re killers, homeless people, drug abusers, etc. We have the ability to function in this world. It might take a little longer than usual, but we can do it. No matter the setbacks, the gossiping behind our back, the name calling where we are misdiagnosed (especially by family), and assumptions, we are surviving. Yes, there are people in the world that do things that are uncommon to BE called “crazy” but many of us just want to live a normal life. If we could change having to depend on medication and therapy, we would.

Many of us can’t afford treatment. Many of us are told that our mental illness is in our head. We are told that we are weak. We are told that we are lazy, bad parents, scary. Some people refuse to believe that we even have a mental illness although we have shown signs that something wasn’t right. Some of us have our moments but those moments don’t define us. Many of us are thrown into jail because the country saw fit to close down mental health institutions; there is a shortage of social workers, psychologists, and psychiatrists because of the cost of education and low wages (especially for social workers). With the growing need of mental health professionals, especially during the pandemic, this shortage is more noticeable.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health:

  • Mental health disorders account for several of the top causes of disability in established market economies, such as the U.S., worldwide, and include: major depression (also called clinical depression), manic depression (also called bipolar disorder), schizophrenia, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • An estimated 26% of Americans ages 18 and older — about 1 in 4 adults — suffers from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year.
  • Many people suffer from more than one mental disorder at a given time. In particular, depressive illnesses tend to co-occur with substance abuse and anxiety disorders.
  • Approximately 9.5% of American adults ages 18 and over, will suffer from a depressive illness (major depression, bipolar disorder, or dysthymia) each year.

SOURCE: https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/mental-health-disorder-statistics

Ignore What You’ve Heard

People with mental illnesses aren’t always portrayed accurately. We are not what you see on TV. Movie stars, rappers, and comedians don’t represent us. If you really want to know us, talk to us. Learn how we think and why we think the way we do. Ask us how we feel, you might be surprised at what you find. But we also aren’t the representative for the diagnosis that we have. We all have our own stories, traumas, and experiences that make us who we are just as those without mental illnesses.

There are acute and chronic forms of mental illness. It doesn’t have to last forever but, for some of us, it does. And we have to learn to cope. We have to learn to accept ourselves and attempt to be accepted by society.

Don’t make fun of the things that we don’t do that most people are able to do with ease. Some of us can’t even get out of bed in the morning. Many of us don’t even want to take a shower but we work on autopilot to get through the day. We do something called “masking” where we do what society expects us to do in order to fit in. We long for a life where we don’t have to do that, but we have to in order to stave off concern from those that we love and love us.

All we want is to walk among you and be respected as human beings and not our diagnosis. We are not all bad. We might have setbacks and need some time to get through them, but we are not the worst people in the world. We’re just trying to survive…just like you.

The Story of My Mental Illness

Because this is Mental Health Awareness Month, I decided that today is the day that I tell the story of my diagnosis, symptoms, frustrations, treatments, and all that good stuff. If there are any questions that you would like to ask, please feel free to do so.

When Did I Notice a Problem?

When I was younger, I had this really bad temper. However, because I was a good student and shy, I flew under the radar. It didn’t take much for me to get very angry and sometimes violent. I noticed it more in my teenage years, but I definitely noticed it.

I tried to talk to my mother about my anger a few times and was told to pray about it. I prayed, it really didn’t work. So, I determined that, when I got my own insurance, I would go and see a psychiatrist to find out what was wrong with me because there definitely was something wrong with me.

I used to get mad and straight up lash out at people. It got to the point that I had to give myself the “3 strikes rule”. I kept mental tabs of how many times a person messed with me before going after them. I did this because I started having heart palpitations from immediately getting mad at everything. There was so much anger. And I don’t know whether it was a hormonal thing or if there was a rage that needed to be out of me one way or another.

My Twenties

Once I hit my 20s and finished high school and vocational school, I obtained a job that afforded me the opportunity to obtain health insurance. At that time I was extremely depressed due to religious things and losing friends, I was also suicidal. So the first thing I did was get a psychiatrist. It’s funny, however, that my first psychiatrist is an INFAMOUS psychiatrist. His name was Dr. Alan Salerian (look him up, you won’t be disappointed. I will say that he was a very good psychiatrist to me). He was high up there in the psychiatric world and actually worked with the FBI or something.

He was a great doctor to me but he had to stop taking insurance due to some craziness that started taking place but that’s a whole different blog. My current psychiatrist is very familiar with him. We talked about him the other day. In the end, he wasn’t fit to stand trial after all the stuff that he was accused of.

Either way, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder at the age of 20.

Medications: Trial and Error

The one thing that a lot of people complain about when it comes to seeing someone is the fact that they immediately assume that they will need to be on medication. Some mental illnesses don’t require long term use of medication. Some just involve talk therapy which is very helpful or even short term medication. I double team my mental illness with meds and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Everything isn’t about drugs. Some people have acute mental illnesses that can be due to grief, stress, even the weather.

However, when I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, it was fun times trying to find the perfect medication for me. Without medication, I am very violent and everything gets to me. This is a brain issue. My brain doesn’t emit enough Serotonin so I need help to pump it. So, what meds have I been on beFORE my new diagnosis that was obtained in about 2009 which came with it’s own share of drama?

Prozac

The first one was good ole Prozac. Let me take the time right now to say that, what works for others, might not work for you. So be very careful in suggesting meds or asking people what worked for them. We’re all made differently and have different needs. The purpose of my meds was to calm me down to the point that I didn’t want to murder someone for what I thought was an insult. When I say I had a bad temper, it was a pretty bad temper. If I felt that I was being picked on, that was it. If I felt as if I were being ganged up on, that was it as well. It is also a reason that Knowing Your Triggers is very important but this knowledge came with a LOT of counseling.

Soooo, what happened with Prozac? I became a zombie. I wasn’t myself. I gave it a chance too. I didn’t just give up on it. Wait, I did take myself off it when my sister cussed me out and I literally just sat there on the phone getting cussed out and I was in such a haze that it didn’t even matter. Even my boss didn’t like how out of it I seemed.

Again, I had Dr. Alan Salerian and he always talked about the Three Tenors when it came to medications. Sometimes you need multiple meds to even things out. So I stayed on Prozac but then he added maybe Paxil and Wellbutrin. He began to wean me off the Prozac to let the Paxil and Wellbutrin do their jobs. Well…… Wellbutrin is not my friend.

Wellbutrin

Wellbutrin had to be the med with the WORST side effect for me, well, there’s another one coming up that is more recent but this one was probably worse because I could have died had I not come to work late that day.

Wellbutrin gave me tremors. I could not write my name. I had a job interview and I went to fill out the forms and it looked like I literally had Parkinson’s Disease. I literally just couldn’t write.

So I went to my regular job after the interview. I think I had just gotten off the phone when I woke up on the floor. Thankfully, I worked with a bunch of doctors at Shady Grove Fertility Center (I loved that job but I was trying to find a job closer to home). Come to find out, I had had a seizure at work.

Had it not been for that interview earlier in the day, I would have been on the road when I had that seizure. They HAD to take me to the hospital (it’s the rule) and they had to check me to figure out what in the world happened. Needless to say, that medication got taken away.

Zoloft

Zoloft (Sertaline) is my ride or die med. Twenty one years later, I am still on that med. I cannot miss a day of it (I will tell stories of that later) or my manic episodes turn into me trying to literally kill someone.

Let’s Take a Pause on the Meds Since Zoloft Became the Winner

So, I was on Zoloft minding my own business. I had to get a procedure done and I missed a dose of my Zoloft. Well, this wasn’t a good thing. A day after my surgery, I ended up in the psych ward.

As my therapist had explained to me, Serotonin is to put up a thick skin so that little things don’t set you off. Well, that day, I got set off. If people know the history between myself and my family, one would already know what I was going through. I was a single mom but I lived with my parents and that was HARD. Especially at my age. My daughter was about 3 when this incident happened. I can tell you exactly what happened too.

Adventures in the Psych Ward
See that white thing on my arm. That was from tendon surgery. I also gained weight but I will talk about that too.

I was watching a movie and I had put a pizza in the oven for the four of us to eat. I was waiting for a commercial to come on so I could go back to the kitchen to get the food. Mind you, my dad was literally sitting outside of the kitchen and the pizza was for EVERYONE. When the alarm went off for the pizza, my dad yells upstairs for me to get the pizza. I was like “Hold on, I’m waiting for a commercial”. Well, he kept yelling about it and then my mom chimed in.

I went downstairs to get the pizza. I already had the one trigger that I saw in my diseased mind and that was being ganged up on. I hate it. However, the second trigger came when I was getting the pizza, cutting it up, and just taking care of it so people would stop talking.

Instead my dad chose to berate me and talk about how I am selfish and all this other stuff. I don’t know, if I were so selfish, why would I be making pizza for everyone? So he kept talking and I got mad, flipped over the dish rack looking for a knife.

I was just PISSED that, even though I had tried to diffuse the situation, there were still people talking. I started stabbing the counter and my hand went down the blade. I blacked out. When I came out of the black out, I saw blood all over the place.

The scars have faded but those two fingers are a reminder that I felt it better to keep and never forget.

My mom took me to the ER and they stitched my hand up after asking me numerous times what happened. I told them I was cutting a pizza (which I was) BUT, after they finished stitching me up, I closed my eyes, opened them, and there were two police standing at the edge of my bed. Yup, not fun. SO they gave me a choice; go to jail or go to the psych ward.

I wasn’t going to jail so they handcuffed me which sucked because I had ruptured the tendons in my right hand. Anyway, I rode in the front of the police car for some reason. I think there was rookie police officer and the other officer.

Listen, I liked the show Cops so I was in the car asking questions and stuff. I had no beef with the police and they had no beef with me.

Anyhow, I get to the dang on pysch ward part and have to sit there forever with the handcuffs on until they can take me back. So I get back there and my mom and sister come. The doc asks what happened and I told them. I don’t pick fights. But when I feel that I am attacked, I go into a whole different mode when I don’t have my meds (and sometimes with meds if someone keeps chipping away at my patience).

Sooooo, they got me a bed in the psych ward. It was extra late so everyone was already sleep and it was very quiet when I got there. The nurse told me that I didn’t belong in the psych ward. I mean…. like I said, I had gone under the radar for a very long time. Outbursts weren’t nothing. I would fight people for no reason. I have pulled knives on folks, put people in choke holds for namecalling, etc. So, yeah, I was surprised I hadn’t already done a stint in the psych ward in all honesty. It was truly only a matter of time in the end.

Life in the Ward

I was okay for a while. But they didn’t take good care of my hand. Had I been taken care of, I would have better use of my ring finger and pinky on my right hand. But I can’t blame anyone but myself. If I wanted full function of those two fingers, they would have to take a tendon out of my wrist and put it in my fingers and that’s too much work for some mess I did. I would rather live with the scars to remind me not to let anyone get the best of me like that.

I stayed in the ward for a good 5 days. Thought I was going to be out in 3 days BUT they said that I was still too mad. I was extra pissed and stopped going to the 3 times a day counseling because I was PISSED! Just mad at everything. So I had to play by their rules so I could get outta there.

Do what they say so you can get outta there!

And, I had to go BACK to the house where it took place as I had nowhere else to go and my child was with my parents. She had no clue what happened and really wasn’t there. I think I had taken her to see Ice Age that day. I stopped going to movies for a while after that because of the bad memories.

While I was there, other patients came to my room for counseling from me. I think I had pointed out that this was what made me want to finish my Psych degree. I am a person that you can talk to without judgement because I’ve been there. And, if I haven’t been there, I know how to be objective. I also shared a room with a woman that had dementia. It was an experience.

There was a dude named Willie that used to try to escape every time someone left or came in. That was funny. We would say “Free Willy!” But yeah, the psych ward was a special time. What annoyed me most, however, is that they didn’t let the people go out to get some sun. Serotonin is needed but I’m no doctor.

Anyhow, the psychiatrist came around and basically said I had bipolar disorder. They kept me on my Zoloft but added the “go to” for bipolar disorder which is Lithium. I hated Lithium. I gave it a chance I really did. But it was trash (for me). They also put me on Seroquel which helped to ease my mind so I could go to sleep and not go into a manic state (you have to have sleep, it is VERY important. And you have to clear the thoughts and voices in order to GET that sleep).

So, on the fifth day, I went home. Although the dispute between my father and I caused me to go to the psych ward, when I came home, he gave me a big hug. He just told me “Welcome home” and that was the end of it. But resentment lasts when the true issue isn’t acknowledged. One of the biggest things I don’t like about my family is that we don’t discuss things or apologize. It’s a trait that I choose not to pass on to my daughter.

As I have said in previous posts about mental illness, my dad is a Vietnam Vet that suffers from PTSD (who wouldn’t after that) and alcoholism. Because of this, sometimes he does and says things that aren’t cool. I will never forget the day he told my brother and I that we weren’t wanted and that he would have divorced my mom but it was cheaper to keep her. Now, people say “Well, he was drunk”. That’s fine and dandy but we were kids and that really had an impact on me. I don’t know if it had that same impact on my brother.

What I Learned

The first thing I learned was never to miss your meds. Don’t do it. You miss one, and that’s your butt. I was just having an issue with my meds last week. I am very proactive but CVS didn’t tell me they were no longer participating with my insurance so it was a mess but I tried to tell them that there would be a chance that I might be put away again if I didn’t have at least my Zoloft. Zoloft is VERY important for me as I need that so as not to snap at everything.

Unfortunately, sometimes you don’t always have insurance. When you don’t have insurance, sometimes you have to stretch the drugs you have so that you won’t run out. Well, one day I stretched my drugs out and it almost resulted in the death of a very rude woman that thought that she was funny. I almost pulled her out of the car to stomp her. I got out of my car because traffic wasn’t moving after she called me a “Bitch” and blocked my turn into a gas station and standing traffic. NO ONE was moving. She thought she was funny so…. yeah….

So I always tell people that they have to find the meds that work for them and take them. Although the process can be frustrating and I know you don’t want to “depend” on anything, mental illness is just an illness. It is an illness like hypertension, diabetes, asthma. It’s just a mental illness and not a heart, endocrine, or lung illness. Suck it up and take your meds because jail isn’t fun and really doesn’t look fun.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed and really think I would like to take a vacation back to the psych ward. I could get some reading and writing done but I need to get able to go outside too.

Communicate With Your Doctor

I hate when people complain about their meds to everyone BUT the person that has the ability to prescribe you something else. First, you have to give the drug time to work. If it doesn’t work, don’t just stop taking the meds, CALL YOUR DOC! That’s what they are there for. They cannot read minds. You have to tell them how you’re feeling. Like I said about the Lithium in another post, my psychiatrist told me straight out that he didn’t treat the illness, but the person. There are great docs out there.

Meds Are NOT Always Necessary for Certain Diagnoses

Although I have bipolar disorder and will likely be on my drugs for the rest of my life, drugs are not the only way I treat my bipolar disorder. There are so many other ways to treat mental illnesses that aren’t chronic. Simple things like standing in the sun, opening your blinds, working out, listening to music, finding time for yourself, etc. Even small things like taking a bubble bath or making up your bed helps.

In addition to my meds, I see my therapist every 2 weeks. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is VERY important because you get to talk out situations, discuss coping mechanisms, learn about yourself, get to the root of the issues that you might have, and learn how to let things go. Medication is not mandatory in maintaining your mental health in acute cases.

Oh, I didn’t tell you guys about what Seroquel did to me. Seroquel worked for me a good 8 years maybe. If you look a the pic of me in the red, at that time I had gained weight. Before Seroquel, I was 148 lbs, after Seroquel, 237 lbs. It was because of the Seroquel. My clothes didn’t fit and my boobs looked like I had gotten implants. My daughter has an intellectual disability and autism which meant meltdowns so I stayed in the house because I was depressed. Anyhow, I started working out more and lost a lot of weight. However, Seroquel decided it was time to stop working with me and, well, I gained weight even though I was working out and eating right. Even my doc didn’t believe I was doing what I was supposed to do until my CBC came back and it said I had Diabetes. Yup, good ole Seroquel decided that it didn’t want to be my friend anymore. Here’s the link to that experience: So I Have Diabetes. In addition to THAT, I was then called fat a lot but people tend not to think about the impact it has on people nor even care to know the reason behind weight gain. You can read about that experience here: What Joy Do You Get From Making Fun of Overweight People?

In Conclusion

If you made it this far, thank you. To those of you that think that they might need some extra help, please say something. Please do something. Don’t sit in denial. Don’t self medicate. Sometimes you’re doing more harm than good.

I have been speaking on mental health for a long time now. I even went to school and completed my BS in Psychology so that I could learn about myself and continue to be an objective individual when it comes to the feelings and needs of others. I also learned the art of self evaluation. I might not always be right so I take a step back and review situations to find my role in miscommunications and the like. This is how we learn. This is how we learn that this world isn’t geared toward us and that we have to live with many others who are struggling just as we are. In the end, if you need help, get it. You’re not weak. There’s no big deal. Oh, and one more of my blogs is Bipolar and Black. I know that many cultures do not embrace seeking mental health help and it does a disservice to so many directly and indirectly. As a mother, I owe it to my child to make sure that I am mentally stable enough to take care of her. I don’t want to continue the cycle although I don’t hold resentment to my father because he didn’t have a great life and he grew up a different way than we did. He did his best and there are no handbooks for life nor raising kids.

I think I have written enough now. If you got this far, thank you for reading. I should be asleep now but I can’t ever start a blog and not finish it because I will lose my train of thought and forget it. Except for that last blog I did about Kpop. I had to add pictures. Well, good night, everyone.

I hope that everyone takes what I said into consideration. If you think no one cares, we do. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. My little degree is good for something as I am too poor to get my Master’s (even though I want to go into Forensic Psychology because I am a true crime lover and often identify with serial killers because I very well could have been one had I not had the wherewithal to know there was an issue).

Depp vs Heard (5/4/2022-5/5/2022) My Thoughts

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT ON ANY SIDE BUT I LIKE FACTS. I AM ALSO NOT A THERAPIST OR LAWYER BUT I WILL BE HEARD! LOL

5/4/2022 The Defense’s Forensic Psych Part 2

Well, I talked about her 5/3/2022 but her testimony continued to 5/4/2022 and we had to sit through it. When they started on this day after this Dr. Hughes gave her testimony, it was time for the Plaintiff’s side to question her. Just as I had said, they called her out on her usage of pronouns. She defended herself (I guess) that she was just speaking on AH and JD. However, the rest of us that watched the case interpreted it another way.

While she spoke in generalizations, she always placed the woman in the victim column while placing the man as the assailant. This was literally the reason that JD took this to trial. People continue to ignore the fact that men could be abused but she stuck to her guns and said that she went by AH and JD. The Plaintiff’s counsel let it go but they got on her about how much she was being paid for what she was doing ($500/hr). I think they did that out of spite because AH’s lawyers KEPT asking how much people were getting paid for their testimony. It became a running joke.

JD’s lawyers then talked to her about the cases she had done in the past on behalf of men that were abused. What I noticed was that the only cases in which she spoke on behalf of men in domestic violence relationships was in same sex situations. She never, from her testimony, talked about PTSD nor abuse in heterosexual relationships. JD’s lawyers got annoyed with her (as many of us were) and went on to talk about all of the information that she had reviewed prior to the case. One thing that many people know (and might not admit freely) is that people lie to docs. People lie to psychologists. It is up the professional to figure it out in some cases.

Dr. Hughes received her data from doing 29 hours of time with AH but it seems as though the timing skewed the answers to the questions given her. She didn’t see her two days in a row, she saw her months apart. What I mean is that she didn’t talk to her twice in the year from what I understood. As a psychiatric patient, I talk to therapists often and one of my therapists asks me questions based on a specific amount of time. So, although I talk to this social worker every month, the questionnaire asks “In the past two weeks, how often have you had suicidal thoughts” and it gives you the options so that they can add up the scores to find out if you suffer from a certain issue at the present. So, when I talk to one of my therapists, I might have anxiety based on the questionnaire AND depression but next month, I might not have anxiety but have a higher score in depression. I have already been diagnosed with bipolar depression so we already know that I have that but they want to see if it’s going down or up. So, to me, it seems as though they spaced out the visits too much for there to be an accurate measure of improvement. I could be VERY wrong here but that’s how I saw it.

Dr. Hughes also talked about a lot of what other people said and she really seemed to take the word of AH. Her test was not as in depth as Dr. Curry’s was who actually is a person that has more experience in PTSD than DV. Dr. Hughes was a DV professional but claimed that there was PTSD while Dr. Curry stated that even people that had been involved in combat in wars didn’t even score as high as she did which indicated that she was playing up her symptoms for lack of a better term.

In the end, JD’s lawyers got Dr. Hughes to admit she wasn’t there and didn’t see anything that showed that she was actually abused. All she really did was review other doctor’s notes and interviewed friends and family (her mother died after she gave her deposition).

It just surprised a lot of us that two people that are truly experienced in one field (DV and PTSD) disagreed so much. What exactly did the DV psychologist really KNOW about PTSD that the PTSD clinical psychologist doesn’t know about PTSD? How are we seeing more of the traits that Dr. Curry spoke of in AH than those that AH claims are related to PTSD?

I am really trying to be objective here but, if a person specializes in one field and has extensive knowledge and experience with a certain demographic of people, that’s the person I’m going to believe. We will learn more about who really was accurate when Amber takes the stand.

AMBER FINALLY TAKES THE STAND!!!

Oh boy! I literally took notes and, based on my limited experience and the fact that I only have a BS in Psychology, I noticed a LOT of things as did many of the other people in the chats I was in watching live. The first thing is that Dr. Curry was correct in her analysis of AH. Her demeanor, her usage of words, the things she paid attention to, how over the top descriptive she was (especially in her 5/5/2022 testimony) gave me pause.

She testified about the first time JD hit her. I’m not going to be sarcastic as I know that domestic violence is real but her dang on testimony…. Okay, so she said that the first time he hit her, she just laid on the floor and looked at the “dirty carpet”. She mentioned the dirty carpet a couple of times. She also stated that she was surprised that he hit her and thought to herself that you don’t hit anyone. A man doesn’t hit a woman, a woman doesn’t hit a man, etc. but the thing is, SHE HAS HIT HER EX-WIFE so help me understand that part. You know that it happens. This is not your first experience with domestic violence so don’t sit there and act like you had no clue what domestic violence is about. Clearly, you didn’t just hit your wife once, so you know. Just because she did it in public doesn’t mean this hadn’t happened before behind closed doors. YOU KNOW!

I’ll just put this article here about her and that dang on “dirty carpet”: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/paigeskinner/amber-heard-testimony-abuse

So, Amber gets on the stand and talks about her upbringing. The manner of which she spoke of her father was drastically different from what I had heard before. He broke horses and she helped. She didn’t say much about her mom, but I believe she had once said that they were all drug abusers, including her younger sister Whitney. She didn’t say any of that in her description of her life growing up. She stated that she went to a private school on scholarship, helped at the soup kitchen, and helped deaf kids. She also graduated school early. She wanted to go to California and be something, so she took little jobs here and there. Note: She EVEN DID MAKEUP! Remember I said this. One day, she was on the set in a small role and an actor said that she should go to CA and get an agent. She met with said agent and started doing more small roles. No one cares, I know.

Then she met JD and they were both taken during Rum Diaries so nothing happened, but they would hang out in the trailer and talk about things like books and music. Years later, he called her and wanted to start talking because they were both separated from their partners. I know y’all don’t care and neither did the rest of us. I’ll skip.

He started spending time with her in a “bubble” at her little rented place because he didn’t want to go public and all that. Let me fast forward because every response this woman made was so in depth and LONG that they had to object and say she was unresponsive because she was SO off track. I have never seen anything like it. They lived in a “bubble”, he got to know her family and her dad helped him get her a Colt. She also described her dad as “salt of the earth”. Let’s be honest, no one cares about that. Let’s get to the “abuse”. Clearly, you can tell whose side I am on because, at this point, I am infuriated with what I saw and heard.

Today 5/5/2022

When they came back, AH was back on the stand lying. No one is worried because all she literally did was lie so they let her show her little pictures and texts and talk about all the abuse she suffered. They even let her show her pics with no objection. Why? Because they all really proved JD’s case basically.

AH testified that one day he just slapped her and slapped her again. She couldn’t believe it. She got knocked down and looked at the “dirty carpet”. Another time, she got hit on the plane and “no one did anything”. Then she recorded and you couldn’t hear much of anything. Great job, Amber. You could have done a vid like you did when he was in the kitchen assaulting the cabinets. Maybe taken a picture of your bruises since he did you so dirty. Didn’t even do that. But she did look out the airplane window. She remembered that part very well.

She looked at a lot of things while being “abused”, dirty carpet, a light, the floor. She was just walking around getting beat up for nothing. But, for some reason, she never took a pic at the time of the assault when he wasn’t around. For some reason, she didn’t keep a 5-hour recording from when she chopped his finger off with a bottle. That would have been some great testimony. But nope. When he wrote all the things that he “wrote” after she chopped his finger off, she mentioned the fact that he put her clothes in the tub and poured paint on them. She also mentioned that her feet were cut up and had pictures of EVERYTHING BUT THOSE THINGS! How? Your feet were cut up, correct? Your clothes were ruined but you took pics of the mirror and what he “wrote” on it but not YOUR clothes with paint on them in the bathroom.

Today, she infuriated me because she lived up to every single thing Dr. Curry had said. Her manner of telling stories, the over describing of everything. It was as if she was weaving a tale that we could read one day. Maybe that’s what she wants to do. I won’t be buying it. Dr. Curry’s testimony can be seen here: What Dr. Curry Said.

She never cried on the stand, not real tears anyway. She tried though. I’ll give her that much. Oh, she had some pics of JD on vacation “passed out” while they were on his private island. I personally call it resting but what do I know? I fell asleep with popcorn in my mouth two days ago. I must have passed out from doing drugs. She took a pic of him in the floor after he passed out. It could be a valid passing out pic but why are you taking pics of such mundane things but, when something BIG happens, like how he “broke” her nose and beat her about the head, the pictures are lackluster.

People in the chat in many different chats that I went to (because I wanted to see the overall opinion of people) said that they had been abused, been head butted, been beaten, and they had black eyes when they were head butted. The pics I saw were not of black eyes nor a broken nose. Nor were there medical records or witness testimony saying what they saw. A broken nose causes black eyes and usually gets worse before it gets better. She claims he broke her nose. Her nose did not, in any way, look broken. Yes, she had darkness under her eyes but, when you sustain a headbutt leading to a broken nose, your eyes are sometimes swollen shut and literally BLACK. She said nothing about having trouble breathing and when the nurse came to see her, she didn’t notice anything either, not enough to write about in her notes. Yet, she kept referring to her nose being broken.

The hair that he “yanked” out of her head and the “bald spot” were a joke. It literally looked as if she cut some hair off. There is usually a bulb when your hair comes out of the scalp. It didn’t look like that. It literally looked like a cut piece of hair. Then she showed her scalp which the nurse examined and saw no contusion. It was a whole joke and not a soul is laughing.

Some people get mad and actually pull their own hair out. But that hair on the floor looks like cut hair and, how long is her hair if that’s the length of it?

The number of inconsistencies and the fact that they kept jumping around made this case even harder to watch. One thing that she continuously did was bring up Johnny’s kids. He didn’t have them as witnesses because he didn’t want to bring them into it, but she KEPT his kids’ name in her mouth. She kept getting into trouble for hearsay and told one story that was just so nuts that everyone in the chats found an inconsistency that she missed.

One day, they were sitting with the kids (who knows, she has so many stories) and he kept spilling wine on her pants because he was “passed out”. He spilled wine on her pants to the point that she had to change them two times (she could have moved or taken the wine from him). His son “spoke up” on her behalf and she thanked him in a way to say, “at least SOMEONE cares enough to say something”. Next thing we know, she goes upstairs and somehow JD becomes a real vampire and flies up the stairs to slam her against the wall by her neck (she has been grabbed by her neck so many times, but we never saw pics of neck bruises) and threatens her never to embarrass him in front of his kids.

I want you to remember that she had changed her PANTS twice. Two people pointed this out and I had missed it. Somehow, after being passed out and all, he did this and then he stuck her fingers in her bathing suit. “He didn’t even move them to the side, he stuck his fingers in me” and said something like how she thought she was tough. People wanted to know how all of a sudden, she had a bathing suit on when she had changed her PANTS two times. Good point and I had missed it because I had gotten such a headache from rolling my eyes and wanting to headbutt a wall until I broke my nose and gave myself black eyes.

Final Thoughts

I thank the LORD that this case will not return to court until May 16th because I can’t handle but so much lying. I feel as though there is more proof that JD was abused than what she is claiming, and her injuries could very well be self-inflicted or put on with a brush. She had an arm bruise where she said that he had grabbed her arm, but the bruise was isolated to the middle of her arm. I could do that with makeup. If someone grabs you, the bruise will go around your arm. It wouldn’t just be in the middle of your arm. The bruise she showed was more consistent with a punch. She could have told a better lie.

In the end, as a woman that has never had a man lay a hand on her (except the one time my poor father had to spank me and felt so bad he never touched me again), I literally had tears of rage coming from my eyes. She literally undermined every woman that has been abused with her fantastic stories. Not only that, but she also literally lived up to EVERYTHING Dr. Curry said. JD kept his head down the whole time she was on the stand. The professionals said that he shouldn’t have done that. I said that he should because who wants to look at their abuser? Who wants to look at someone they literally hate? Also, he didn’t want to give her the satisfaction nor attention that she so craved from him. She really wanted him to look at her.

Some people said she would go back with him if he gave her the time of day. I say she wouldn’t because she can’t get blood from a turnip since she ruined his career (for now). She needs to chase Elon Musk and see how that works out. There is so much more I could say but I am just really annoyed with her and her antics. As a woman, I feel ashamed FOR her. I also have a bone to pick with the UK. I don’t know what their laws are, but I don’t understand how The Sun literally got away with calling him a whole “wife beater” based off what I have seen. Her evidence proves that she did all the beating and is consistent with Dr. Curry’s description of her borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder. Everything she is doing on the stand ticks all the boxes. It does not indicate PTSD. You don’t want your memory to be THAT good when you have PTSD. You want to avoid the triggers. If she was actually going to a therapist and dealing with that subject, she would know that. But she remembered every single thing and put on the show of a lifetime. Even stuttering and cutting off her words as though she couldn’t finish her sentence because she was in such internal PAIN.

I really hope she gets what she deserves. I truly hate liars. I am glad she also has incompetent lawyers but it’s just a shame that JD has to go through this. It’s sad that he had to admit that he was abused to clear his name. And I will say as I said in my other post, this man has demons. I don’t doubt that he has SAID hurtful things, but I don’t believe he laid a hand on her. He has a wife and a daughter. Yes, verbal abuse is abuse but they called him a “wife beater”. They both abused one another and should never be near each other again but I will not sit here and put all the blame on him. And I do NOT agree that his livelihood should be taken away while she’s walking around and still working. I also want them to take her child, sorry. It needs to be done for the child’s sake because it’s going to do a lot of damage to that child if she doesn’t at least get help.

The Mad Woman’s View of the Johnny Depp v Amber Heard Trial (So Far….)

They Say There’s No Such Thing as a Dumb Question

Somebody lied. Listen, I have been sitting through this trial and contemplating going to law school. There is so much craziness in this case that I don’t even know how to explain it. HOWEVER, I will try because I like you people.

Dos and Don’ts

The trial is Mon to Thurs from 10:00a to 5:00p EST and takes place in Fairfax, VA. I could go there but I have a job and don’t want to get evicted (another blog for another time).

There are three breaks: Morning, Lunch (people really have a problem with this break as it’s the longest and they don’t seem to want the people to eat), and Afternoon. If you come on the live, see a clock or the seal for Fairfax, VA, please don’t ask why you don’t hear anything.

If you see the judge talking to lawyers at the bench, don’t ask why you can’t hear. You’ll look silly and people will get tired of answering the same question over and over again.

DON’T ask who the person is on the stand. Half the time, we don’t even know the name unless they repeat it. We just know the person’s occupation.

DON’T ask why they’re asking questions about the education and role of the witness and claim that it doesn’t matter. It MATTERS! Someone got mad when a Forensic Accountant was on the stand. Said it had nothing to do with anything. Um…it did. It was to show how much money JD could have gotten had it not been for those allegations, people taking her side without real proof, and dumping him.

DON’T come in trying to diagnose folks unless you own the Holy Bible of Psychiatry, the DSM-5, are in the mental health or medical field, or have credentials. Let the doctors do the evaluating. Everyone isn’t a narcissist. There are so many other diagnoses in this world and, so far, two Forensic Psychologists (my dream job) and an RN’s notes have said histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, and bipolar disorder for AH (we refer to them by their initials because….lazy).

DO approach the case with an open mind.

DON’T come to the live to complain that there are other more important things in the world to be concerned with (but you’re here). Shoot, I’m coding charts and listening to the trial. We can do multiple things at once. Don’t sit around trying to shame people because you can only do one thing at a time.

DON’T be a troll. What are you? Two?

DON’T ask why we aren’t watching the Maxwell trial. It’s simple, we can’t. It’s a FEDERAL TRIAL! (see: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/factcheck/2022/04/27/fact-check-images-depp-trial-permitted-virginia-guidelines/9542608002/)

Understand the Role of the Judge

I have never seen so many people claim that the Judge is biased. Today, many people shut up after the Judge didn’t strike the testimony that AH’s people wanted to have stricken (regarding the Washington Post article itself which was the bulk of the case). I was glad because they were annoying. They were claiming that she on was on AH’s side because she “only” took her lawyer’s objections which wasn’t true at all.

Many people also missed the point that it seems that JD’s lawyers are more seasoned than AH’s who rudely cut people off, didn’t allow them to use their notes to answer questions (except for their witnesses), objected to themselves, yell “Hearsay” every chance they get, and ask literally the same questions over and over again (this is common but “asked and answered” was said a lot).

If JD’s lawyers (he is the Plaintiff in this case) don’t object (because they know how dumb AH’s lawyers are), just calm down. This is chess, not checkers. Just because you can’t see the big picture doesn’t mean that the line of questioning isn’t pertinent to the case. Have patience.

The Gist of the Case

In short, the case is to prove to everyone that AH was the abuser, claimed to be abused using the #metoo movement, and drastically hurt JD’s career to the tune of him losing $40 million for future projects that were dropped due to her op-ed. The op-ed is the crux of the case which was why her lawyers wanted all that testimony stricken. Without it, the case would likely have been thrown out.

But the thing is: JD doesn’t care about the money. He wants his story to be told. And he got to do that. His witnesses were very helpful (many will be getting recalled, especially my girl Dr. Curry) and gave eyewitness accounts of the abuse that JD actually suffered at the hands of AH.

TRIGGER WARNING – SEXUAL ASSAULT

I may seem biased here but, with my little BS in Psychology, I did learn some things, and to me, her actions aren’t those of an abused woman. I think the most damning evidence against her is the evidence that she provided. Granted, I am not a DV expert nor a psychologist but there are some things that don’t make sense. Sometimes abused PEOPLE do illogical things so we have to take that into consideration. HOWEVER, a DV Forensic Psychologist got on the stand today and talked about some horrible accusations against JD including cavity searches for cocaine, being raped with a bottle, choking, preventing her from getting roles, telling her how to dress, verbal abuse, threats of violence, etc.

The DV Forensic Psychologist made ONE fatal flaw that even I, with my two semesters of Paralegal Studies, could tear her apart on the stand. Her whole testimony was biased. When they were asking about her credentials and questions about domestic violence in general, she continuously used the pronouns “she” and “her”. She is labeled as an expert witness which means she got to watch the trial, read depositions and records, and watch the videos that AH provided (that really just turned the case against her). In all the testimony, including the video and audio, police testimony, security, house managers, it was witnessed that JD was constantly abused. They literally testified to her chasing him down when he was diffusing the situation and walking away.

I wish I could feel bad for this psychologist, but I can’t. She further pushed the narrative that people always believe that women are the only victims in domestic violence. In addition to that, she acknowledged that AH said bad things and hit JD but wasn’t a perpetrator. I’m not the brightest tool in the shed but…how?

An Even Bigger Question

AH has proof of conversations where JD said some mean things to her and some “inside joke” things to her where a lot of it was taken out of context. It had to later be explained to make more sense. However, I still can’t wrap my head around being bold enough to record a man after picking a fight with him, talking to him like a dog “Couch! Couch!” (telling him to sit down, I assume), having him come over while you have a whole restraining order in effect and recording him THEN but where is the proof of the sexual abuse, the physical abuse?

AH isn’t dumb by any stretch of the imagination. I could go into so much detail, especially regarding her pledge to the ACLU of which she only paid partially while Elon Musk and JD paid some more of it. She still has not paid the pledge and is likely too broke to do so at the present. If she is so smart, where are the actual medical records of some of the most important and damning injuries in this case, you know, besides the ones where she had makeup on to make it look like she was hurt and had a nosebleed (fingernail polish), had hair pulled out of her scalp (although the nurse noticed no injury)? Maybe we will get that this week and next week as it is the Defense’s turn to say some things, but I can say that the forensic psych isn’t going to really do much for this case because the SMART thing to do is to ask questions about domestic violence toward men. If she hadn’t used “she” and “her” so much, she wouldn’t seem SO biased as if men don’t get abused. This was what JD was trying to prove all along.

Inside Jokes

If you see people talking about Mega Pints of wine and muffins, yelling “Objection, hearsay”, there are reasons. “Mega Pints” is based on a question that one of AH’s attorneys asked regarding his fit in the kitchen that AH recorded. The attorney (the jerk’s last name is Rotterborn and we have other great names for him because is annoying and rude) asked him about an incident where he “assaulted the cabinets”. You can see the story here: https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/18337869/johnny-depp-drunken-rage-mega-pint-red-wine/ . Rottenbutt, Rottenborn, whatever we call him asked him if he poured himself a “Mega Pint” of wine so we went with it.

The Muffins and The Muffin Man

Dr. Shannon Curry, Forensic Psychologist
Amber’s OTHER Attorney, Elaine

Elaine, Elaine, Elaine! What can I say about that little wicked lady? She’s annoying, she’s rude, she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Did I say she was rude? Dr. Shannon Curry is a beast in her field. This woman specializes in PTSD and has tons of credentials and experience to prove it. Elaine didn’t like what was being said and didn’t allow her to check her notes to give concrete answers, cut her off, and was just all over the place.

Dr. Curry had explained how long it took her to analyze AH, what methods she used to evaluate her, and gave a diagnosis. She spent a total of 12 hours with her, gave her a 500+ question questionnaire, reviewed depositions, watched the case (as she is an expert witness), and pretty much broke it all down as I said in my previous post, Trying to Figure Out My Rage Regarding this Trial. For some reason, Elaine became fixated on muffins that were eaten while these evaluations were taking place.

Dr. Curry was running late and asked her husband to run to the store and get some dang on muffins. Elaine must have been hungry or mad that she didn’t get any because she became obsessed with the muffins. You can see an article here: https://www.newsweek.com/muffin-man-johnny-depp-trial-moment-shrek-scene-1701382 . Through it all, however, Dr. Curry kept her cool and while the other Forensic Psychologist testified, they had the camera right on her because AH’s witness was telling bold faced lies and no one (in the chat at least) believed a word she said. I just can’t wrap my head around having the wherewithal to produce proof of all the other things but no ER reports, not medical records. The only thing that I did, as a medical coder, notice was that JD has a problem with ED. Listen, he’s 58, nothing to be ashamed of, we see it all the time. I wished they hadn’t shown his Rx history because I figured out all his diagnoses by looking at them. Fun times.

Anyhow, that’s the case so far. Got any questions, ask me. I’ll try to answer them or make it make sense. Remember, I am only working with a BS in Psych with a minor in Criminal Justice, my bipolar disorder, and two semesters of Paralegal Studies. Oh, and I’m a certified medical coder which is why I am so interested in the medical records. That RN’s testimony was so dry and didn’t benefit either side. She remembered nothing and her notes…..goodness.

Thanks for reading! Share it with a friend or someone you hate even.

This Just In!

WebMD had to take down this woman’s profile due to the many 1-star reviews that flooded the site after her testimony. I swear, I didn’t do it. That’s above my pay grade. I don’t condone doing this because I have worked in small practices before, and you can literally ruin a career when you do things like that. This is her “unbiased” opinion and we’ll let her have that, but they will crucify her on the stand in a few minutes. I got banned on Facebook for saying I could kill her on the stand with my two semesters of paralegal studies.

Here is the story for your eyes to see and I’ll see you on the other side of this mess. https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/factcheck/2022/04/27/fact-check-images-depp-trial-permitted-virginia-guidelines/9542608002/

My Favorite Podcasts (True Crime Edition Part 1)

Picture It….2019

The world was dying, unarmed Black people were being murdered for no reason, there was chaos in the White House, and everything was looking very bleak. At this time, I stopped watching the news because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I really couldn’t. Things that used to bring me joy no longer did and I was trying to find something that would make me laugh and not just sit in silence while I worked.

I love Spotify and listen to music all day, but I stopped dancing, I stopped singing, I stopped getting my 10k steps in. Life just was really doing a number on me. Not to mention the fact that I have bipolar disorder and was in the apartment with my daughter all day every day. If you read my blogs, you know about my daughter and her disabilities and how, paired with mine, it can be a challenge.

One day I decided that since I had literally watched every crime show on Oxygen, maybe I should check out podcasts. I didn’t really know what I was looking for and I think I asked some Facebook friends that were into true crime if there were some shows they liked. That was when I was engulfed in the world of true crime COMEDY podcasts.

How Can True Crime Be Funny?

I know, I know. It’s kind of hard to explain this but true crime CAN be funny. No one makes fun of the victims of the crimes. It can be a joke about how dumb some law enforcement can be, how dumb the criminal is, sometimes the hosts make fun of one another for saying something wrong. Yes, they are bringing attention to serious crimes (some of which are unsolved) but they educate and entertain at the same time. It takes a certain skill. Just as the beautiful ladies and gent in the YouTube post (see: YouTubers and Their Lifesaving Channels (Part One) I made talk about true crime in an interesting way, this is the same but there are at least two hosts, and you can’t see them.

Once I found one true crime channel, I had to binge it. Once I was done with that one, I would find another one and binge it. This went on and on until I caught up. Now, I’m pretty much caught up on them all. So, with that said, let me introduce you to my favorite true crime podcasts. I listen to them all on Spotify (because I truly love Spotify) but you can find them on all the podcast platforms.

True Crime Obsessed

Gillian Pensavalle and Patrick Hinds

This show is hosted by Patrick Hinds and Gillian Pensavalle. They do a lot of different subjects and true crime documentaries that their viewers request. Their episodes can come from HBO, Hulu, Netflix, Dateline, and other platforms. These two just did a Broadway debut of True Crime Obsessed (no I didn’t go). Gillian has a background in theater, is very smart, does her best not to go off, and tells everyone to STFU and pull over. She has requests that are simple like putting flood lights in “known” dumping areas. Her new podcast is called “Let the Women Do the Work”. This is her phrase because they love to see female detectives and lawyers that just take care of everything. She even has the best newscaster voice “It’s CHAOS down here, Tom!”

Patrick (Patricia) has a background in everything. This man has written a book, thought about opening a daycare (until the kids came), launched Obsessed Network, and is in the midst of writing another book. He is an avid lover of The Indigo Girls and speaks and laughs in a high-pitched voice much to the chagrin of many husbands (and dogs) in the world. I have to say that this man did a lot to find his niche and I’m here for it. This isn’t the last I will talk about this man as…. well…. it’s Patrick.

Because of this show, I was then introduced to another show that actually has impacted me more than any other podcast I have ever listened to.

Obsessed With: Disappeared

Patrick Hinds and Ellyn Marie Marsh

This show is the show that I put my clothes on and went into the wild for (see: I Went to a Podcast Show “Alone”). Meet Ellyn Marie Marsh, a Broadway star that was unemployed when Broadway died because of dang on COVID (yeah, I said it). She has starred in Priscilla: Queen of the Desert, Pretty Woman, Kinky Boots, has a role in Better Nate Than Ever (Disney +), and is currently one of the stars in Sarah Silverman’s “The Bedwetter”. Oh, we also got to see her on the Netflix game show, Bullshit.

Ellyn and Patrick have been friends for a very long time and their chemistry is nuts. They literally just go in on one another with insults while doing the stories. The show that they cover is Disappeared. They literally have to be obsessed with Disappeared because they even know the narrator of the show. Christopher makes cameos on the show and it’s so funny. He was even in DC at the live podcast.

There are so many funny moments but my all-time favorite episode of Disappeared is Episode 3 which is the case of Amy St. Laurent. I don’t think I have ever laughed so much because they literally talked for a good period of time with a Boston accent about “the rental cah with the on stah” and the guy that tried to “bahtah with the toll taykah”. They are on episode 95 but that still is my favorite episode to this day. I must add that, although I am a Patreon member, I LOVE the advertisements. I don’t skip not ONE of them because even THOSE are funny.

It was great! But then something happened….

Joey Taranto, Ellyn Marsh, and Patrick…..

Patrick was losing his voice and working so hard on so many things that he figured that he had to have a seat and pass the baton to Ellyn to handle the show on her own. In steps Joey Taranto, ANOTHER Broadway star. And if you think that Patrick and Ellyn were a mess, then you haven’t met Joey. Joey is a preacher’s kid, I believe (inside joke), from New Orleans, and is beautiful. He also can SANG!!!! If you think that Ellyn is sassy, you get double the sass with Joey and both of them can sing so it’s bad or those of us that can’t when they break into song (and they do often, I mean, they’re Broadway actors).

Many people were leery of him at first (people don’t like change), but he introduced himself on Instagram and we instantly were in love. This man can sing, slay faces, do voodoo, and help you bury the body. Kidding! We love Joey and we just need them to lock the door when they’re recording because Patrick likes to pop in while they’re recording. We love it but also understand that he needs to get some rest and take time with his family. But you need to go away, Patricia.

Discussion Group

Many podcasters start out with Facebook discussion groups but then get burned out from all the negativity. I have seen this happen on a few occasions I have even seen podcasters say that their own group is horrible and to stay away from them. There are few groups where the hosts are active an actually care about the members of said group.

I can count on one hand the number of podcast Facebook groups that the hosts haven’t just left because of negativity. Patrick, Ellyn and Joey are VERY vocal in their group. Their admin are great and keep drama to a minimum. One can go to the group to talk about something that made them sad without being mocked because “that’s not what the group is for”. We give each other funny memes when people are feeling low, talk about our hate for the “outdoors” and their lack of knowledge of “sportsketball”, kicking vases, tarp, all kinds of funny things.

Last month, there was a beautiful moment where someone expressed a moment where they were triggered due to something that Ellyn said. Ellyn HERSELF approved the post and gave a beautiful response and that further sealed the love that this group of people that don’t know one another has. The group is fun, it’s where we can share our inside jokes that our friends don’t understand.

Although I don’t like people, that group is a group I can hang with. I’m going to have to make this a two- or three-part series because I have to talk about my other favorite podcasts.

If you’re a comedy true crime lover, I’m pretty sure you can guess the next few that I will be mentioning. One isn’t necessarily funny on purpose but, yes, they do make me laugh. TWO are from two stand-up comedians that call themselves dumb but are some of the best researchers there are. Another is a podcast of two childhood friends that will have you laughing until you cough. But sometimes they cry (it shows they are human). And, of course, I have to speak of a very well-known series where I ONLY listen to the true crime episodes, but their research is really high up there (top tier).

If you have gotten this far, thanks. Oh, and look at the picture for this: Obsessed Fest is in September. I can’t “people” for days at a time BUT this is going to be a great time. So many people are going to be there including my faves that I will be mentioning in parts 2 and 3 of this series.

Go here to find out more about Obsessed Fest: https://www.obsessednetwork.com/obsessed-fest

Patrick Hinds Info:

  • Twitter: @patrick_hinds
  • Instagram: @patrickhinds_

Gillian Pensavalle:

  • Twitter: @gillianWithaG
  • Instagram: @gillianwtihag

Facebook Group: True Crime Obsessed Podcast Group

Ellyn Marsh:

  • Twitter: @ellynmash
  • Instagram: @ellynmarsh
  • TikTok: ellynmariemarsh

Joey Taranto:

  • Twitter: @Joey_taranto
  • Instagram: @itsjoeytaranto
  • TikTok: itsjoeytaranto

Facebook Group: Obsessed with: Disappeared Podcast Discussion Group

TikTok Page for Show: Obsessed with Disappeared on TikTok

Trying to Figure Out My Rage Regarding this Trial

I Am Not a Huge Johnny Depp Fan

I like Johnny Depp’s work. He is very talented and witty, but I am not what you would call a diehard fan. With that said, I never really have heard of Amber Heard until all this mess. So why am I so invested in this case? There could be a lot of reasons so I’m just going to do a bullet point of what it could be.

  • Abuse against males
  • Mental illness
  • Drug abuse and redemption
  • Lying and ruining someone’s career
  • Using the #Metoo movement for revenge
  • Automatically taking the side of the female when proof was in pictures and recordings
  • Walking around undiagnosed when you are the problem
  • Underreported abuse against men
I Have Talked about Witnessing Women Beating on Men

Never liked it. I have spoken on a neighbor that used to beat on her man often. I know this because things would hit my door because she would literally throw things at him while he tried to go down the stairs. This woman also threw water down the steps at her boyfriend, and it hit another neighbor. I have watched her hit him in the head while he walked down the stairs to get away. I have seen her belittle him in public.

I can’t say why he stayed besides the fact that he needed somewhere to stay. And, yes, I called the police on them because of all the noise late at night. I also made sure to let the dispatcher know that she was the aggressor.

It is a known fact that male abuse is one of the most underreported crimes. Why? Because of embarrassment for the most part. Like what man is going to let some little, “weak” woman beat on him. I see it a lot around here. In the street just beating dudes in the head for something they did.

Domestic violence against men is so underreported that there aren’t many studies or statistics on the subject especially in the U.S. The same can be said about sexual abuse among men at the hands of women.

Source: https://www.uowblogs.com/mrb998/2017/05/18/denial-of-female-perpetrators-and-stereotypes/
Mental Illness

If you’ve been reading my blogs, you know that I have bipolar disorder. I have previously had the discussion of whether dating a person with a diagnosed mental illness is was a good idea. I talked about how it can make the relationship a bit harder but it doesn’t have to doom a relationship if the person with said mental illness accepts treatment and medication if needed. You can see the post here: Dating a Person with a Diagnosed Mental Illness, Could You Do It? Should You Do It?

But what do you do when the person is undiagnosed and doesn’t choose to get help for the mental illness? Do you let your love make you overlook that? Do you enable the person? Or do you leave? There is nothing wrong with leaving. In Johnny Depp’s situation, he chose to leave. No one likes to argue all the time, have mind games played, be belittled, have things thrown at them, and be chased down when you are trying to diffuse the situation.

When Dr. Curry got up on that stand and literally described everything the jury and other onlookers had already seen via depositions and all those great recordings she took the time to make; it was made very clear that that woman had a mental illness (well two: histrionic and borderline personality disorder). Not long before that testimony, it was noticed that AH had been mocking the clothing that JD had worn the day before every day. Something as small as that had been seen by Dr. Curry. But she diagnosed that woman to a tee. Of course there were some people with no credentials, that didn’t review previous medical records, depositions, administer a 500+ questionnaire, had extensive experience with people that actually suffered from PTSD that had their opinions. People swear up and down that everything is narcissistic personality disorder but this woman spent a BIT more time with AH and was privy to more information than the average person.

That was a pain to watch because most of the people tuned out while she was giving all of her credentials and asking why we needed to know that. We needed to know it so that we didn’t look stupid when she gave her diagnosis. Listen, if you don’t understand law and psychology, just don’t watch the case because nothing will seem necessary to you BUT I DIGRESS!

Sadly, people with BPH felt that this diagnosis added to the stigma of that mental illness. As I have stated many times, our diagnosis doesn’t determine who we are as people. AH is not the face of BPH so don’t assume that people with BPH are abusive. They have a lot of traits and every person’s life is not the same. So, just because AH was an abusive gas lighter doesn’t mean that all people with BPH are the same. Just as all people with mental illnesses don’t run around killing people and acting a whole fool. Many people wouldn’t even know that so many people that have a mental illness have them.

Drug Use and Redemption

Amber’s team kept trying to bring up the fact that Johnny did drugs and drank (they forgot that Amber consumed a lot of wine and also indulged in some drug use. She was also predisposed to drug usage because her parents were users, but she didn’t testify to that during her testimony so far). Doing drugs is sometimes a means to cope. I have talked about self-medication often. It seems to me that AH was self-medicating with all the wine that it was said was ordered often.

A lot of JD’s actions and speech as well as testimony by his doctor showed that he was trying to get clean. One thing that truly stood out to me was the fact that he always took responsibility for what he did. He said that the person that he was hurting the most was himself with the drug use.

I know people that are no longer addicts and you can tell when they have put that life behind them. They say things and take responsibility for them. They try to make peace with those that they hurt and all the other 12 steps they are expected to complete.

Lying Out of Spite to Ruin a Career

If anyone has been watching the trial, it’s a shame that all of the allegations that we had seen against JD had actually been perpetrated by the very person claiming victim. Today, we saw a picture of JD on his honeymoon where he had bruises and the like on his face. It’s interesting though that AH claimed she had been abused and had to cover bruises, but all recordings and pictures showed her harassing him and not allowing him to diffuse the situation by walking away and just trying to get away from her.

One of my triggers is someone following me and continuing to talk when I’m trying to diffuse the situation before it gets out of hand. I totally understand how he felt in those moments because people followed me, and I have actually done them harm because of it. Don’t follow people to continue to argue. Give the person a chance to calm down and think about the situation.

The allegations that AH projected onto JD were all done by her. I can say this based on the fact that I seriously have been watching this case. She did so much more harm than good by claiming that she was the very victim JD was. Because of these allegations, JD lost jobs which meant he lost money and then had to pay her a ton of money in the divorce. She never loved him, and one could tell just by how she recorded everything to use against him which is just sad.

#MeToo

This was a fear I had when this became a hashtag. Yes, there are victims out there and ONE liar can make people doubt every other woman that accuses a man of something. Because she used her platform to sit there and lie, her voice is overpowering those that don’t have the platform she has so she really did a disservice to the movement in more ways than one. However, it did open more dialogue regarding abuse against men. So, in a way, thank her but she still is a whole jerk for what she did.

In the End….

Between Amber Heard and her incompetent lawyers, they are doing a lot to help JD’s case and I’m not mad at that. He kept quiet, he took the L, he hid the fact that his face was battered, and he was scratched up and blamed it on himself (usually what women do, claim they ran into a door, fell, etc.). He gave that woman money she didn’t deserve for a 15-month marriage.

What did he get in return? A ton of heartbreak, turds in his bed, loss of jobs, a bad reputation as a woman beater (when his exes said that was totally untrue), and the burden of clearing his name. But, in the end, even if he can’t win this libel case, he still won. He won because we saw more proof of her beating up on him than what she claimed she had been a victim of. Even the police who didn’t know who she was, said there were no bruises on her.

The best thing you can do is not be in a relationship or learn to keep your hands to yourself.

But I think I see why I am so annoyed by the trial just by writing this. I doubt anyone will read this, but I will post it anyway. I hope that, for her baby at least, she gets some serious therapy. No one is too good for treatment.

Issues with Weight

The Frustration

For the past few years, I have been having a hard time with my weight. The issue got to the point that I got diabetes two times and was not able to lose weight although I ate right, worked out, and overall did the things that kept me at a low weight for years.

During this process, well meaning people have been giving me unsolicited advice on how to lose weight. This is a pain as I used to live in the gym, know how to tone and lose weight, have studied this, and am not new to the game. But what do you do when your body is working against you? I have bipolar disorder which kills my motivation to even do anything especially when I don’t see results, PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome which is the ONLY reason I’m on birth control), and diabetes (sometimes).

Diabetes

The first time I got Diabetes, it was because of Seroquel. They put me on that the first time I went to the psych ward 12 years ago. It put a lot of weight on me and I never really noticed it but my boobs got huge and I went from 152 lbs to about 180. I didn’t know it was the Seroquel but I continued on with my life. Once I was told that Seroquel is known for causing weight gain, I got a personal trainer with my tax money some years ago and lost some weight.

Eight years later, Seroquel stopped working for me. So although I was working out and eating right, the Seroquel decided it dudn’t matter anymore. My sleep suffered and I gained weight regardless. Seroquel is good for helping calm your thoughts so that you can rest. Before I got on Seroquel, I didn’t sleep much which led to manic episodes because my brain didn’t get the rest it needed. But I still had my ride or die, Zoloft, which is really the most important as missing ONE day of it can put me back in the psych ward. I have done a lot of things because I didn’t have insurance or had to miss meds that I have spoken on and some things I haven’t spoken on. Being around me in a Manic state isn’t something most people want but I got things done. There are times when I want to revert. I wouldn’t feel like such a failure at things.

Abilify

We think that this second time I got medicine induced diabetes was because of Abilify. I was put on this medication in July when I had to go back to the Psych Ward. Yall remember. My job is very caring when it comes to mental health and physical health as it is a healthcare entity. We had to do a biometric test so we could get money on our HSA card (I hit the whole goal of $925 already) and I found out that I, AGAIN, had diabetes. I had already been talking to my PCP (Primary Care Physician) about my constant inability to lose weight although I worked out, tracked my meals (I am back at a 215 day streak because MyFitnessPal reset the days because I couldn’t track while I was in the psych ward), and ate below the caloric intake required. The frustration of doing EVERYTHING from cleanses to Intermittent Fasting (I actually can do that for months), not eating after 8, running miles, or even walking miles, watching my meat intake, drinking tons of water, etc., I have done it. NOTHING worked.

I had literally been trying what my PCP had suggested and checking in with her every three months. Because I still wasn’t losing weight and had all the proof in the world that I was doing what I was supposed to (thanks FitBit), we had to find a med for the new diabetes and something to help me lose some weight. I had hit 248 lbs at that point and, when frustrated that you’re doing everything you can do and still not losing weight, who wants to work out? And then add bipolar disorder to that and it’s just not good.

Finally, my PCP suggested a shot that I would have to take weekly that would help. My PCP had suggested this before the biometric screening showing that I had diabetes. I had to fight with my insurance because they wanted me to just go on Metformin to help me lose weight. I had been on Metformin for 30 days the first time I got diabetes but it wasn’t needed because we knew the culprit was the Seroquel. The weight came off as soon as I stopped the Seroquel and I kept going to the gym and started running more. But this time the new diagnosis helped me finally get a weight loss med after months of my doctor fighting for it because my BMI is at 31 and I wasn’t losing weight.

O O O Ozempic

I finally got approved for Ozempic. I understand why insurance doesn’t want to cover it. Without insurance, it’s close to $1k. With insurance I paid $40 and I have already received a letter stating that they are moving it to a higher tier and the copay will go up to $85. So that’s $85/mo.

Well, as I said, I started out at 248 lbs and today I am 230 lbs. Ozempic is mainly for diabetes but I will pay $85 for a minute if I have to. The amount will raise in May so I already got a refill and they upped my dosage. I watched some videos on people that took it but this one was good because she actually kept us in the loop after using it for a while and being off it. The YouTube channel is called The Hangry Woman and I watched her video to learn about the process and how she reacted to it. It’s a tiny shot. Doesn’t hurt. I do my shot every Monday right in my stupid, fat, stomach.

https://www.youtube.com/c/TheHangryWoman
So Now What?

Well, seeing that I am losing weight is a good thing. My dog also had knee surgery (on New Year’s Day) so he wasn’t able to get out and walk with me and I wasn’t going to walk without him. My treadmill is still collecting dust as I have not been motivated to get on it. HOWEVER, now that Gary’s knee surgery is good and he no longer limps, we have been taking our regular hilly walks together. I was out today letting the sun hit my skin and it was beautiful.

Things will get better. I got myself another weighted jump rope with a counter on it. My old trainer used to have us jumping rope a lot so I’ll get back to doing that. I have all my weights and kettlebells just waiting for me to return to them. I used to do 20 squats after using the bathroom but now I do standing toe touches so I’m working on it a little at a time as my stomach is truly embarrassing.

Goals

After I came out of the psych ward in July, my job took it upon themselves to give me a social worker. We set goals every month and I haven’t been motivated to do them. Something as simple as getting 5k steps is now a challenge for me (although I got 5k on Monday an 6k today) which is something I am kind of embarrassed about as there was a time when I was hitting 10k on a daily basis.

I also know that I need to eat more. I will work out and not eat as much as I should which defeats the purpose because it slows my metabolism as my body is like “We don’t know when she’s going to feed us again so we have to hold on to what she has in here.” Making smoothies always worked for me and drinking water because I could just have them at my desk and drink them all day. I get my fiber, protein, fruits, and veggies in my homemade smoothies and they actually taste good. I even throw some chia and hemp seed in there.

I am going to keep trying every day and if I have to start over every single day, I will. There is and was a lot going on in my life so the stressors weren’t helping. I am trying to keep my sleep health good and find a way to have more energy.

Nothing is easy. I just really wish it was sometimes. I have a lot of things to write about because a lot of things have been going on but my motivation to even do that has been in a slump. I’m working on it, bear with me.

I’m Going to Say This

Therapy Isn’t a CURE!

We all know that Will Smith hauled off and slapped Chris Rock. I’m not going to keep talking about this. What I will talk about is the fact that people keep saying “He needs anger management” and “He needs therapy”.

As a person that has been on meds and receiving therapy for 22 years now, therapy and meds don’t mean you can’t backslide. It’s hard for me to think that Will hasn’t been in some sort of therapy just by how he has carried himself for such a long time after achieving so much from a young age. Something had to keep him grounded.

There are Many Types of Therapy
https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counselling.html#relationshipcounselling

Again, for me, I was seeing a psychiatrist and therapist for 22 years. I have backslid a few times. When I say I have backslid, I have gone to attack people. I have an anger issue and sometimes, when there is a perfect storm, you can backslide.

The first time I went to the psych ward 12 years ago, I had missed ONE dose of my meds and the result was bloody and put me in a psych ward for 5 days. There was a time when I had no insurance and had to space out the little bit of samples that a psychiatrist would give me to help until my insurance kicked in. Someone picked a day when I had to pee, we weren’t moving in traffic, needed gas, I was late to daycare for my daughter, and a woman (last straw) called me a bitch after she blocked me from getting to the gas station.

I admit, I got out of my car to drag her out of the car and beat her down. She didn’t have electric windows so she was trying to roll them all up because I was truly going to pull her out and stomp her. Understand me when I say, although I have come a LONG way, sometimes that perfect storm will make us backslide.

Triggers

I talk about triggers all the time but it took me TIME to learn my triggers. You have to learn your triggers and try to avoid them. Sometimes you can’t avoid them. I have to go out among the people even though some people are disrespectful and I know what I am capable of.

Because of this, I have to see my therapist and take my meds to make it so that little barbs that people throw at me don’t make me flip out (see: Knowing Your Triggers) . You can’t control others but you can do your best to control your response to the little things that people do. And there are some people that take your silence as permission to keep trying you.

You might be getting therapy but those incidents still sit in your head and you might have a mental tally (see: The Story of My Mental Illness ). There was an example that I gave where every time an aunt of mine saw me, she would comment on my weight. What she didn’t KNOW was that I was gaining all that weight (and am still gaining weight) because I was on Seroquel for bipolar disorder. Either I took those meds or I would still be a loose cannon.

Sometimes Meds No Longer Work

I just talked about Seroquel. Well, I previously have spoken about how I got diabetes from being on Seroquel after about 6 years or so. I got on it after my first trip to the psych ward in addition to the Zoloft that I was already on (they put me on Lithium as well but it just wasn’t working for me) 12 years ago. I started gaining weight but worked out 5 days a week so I was able to keep the weight down. But then, after that time, my body seemed to reject the meds. I no longer was able to sleep on it and, no matter what my diet and exercise was like, I was still gaining weight and got diabetes (see: So I Have Diabetes). I currently have it again right now but I didn’t update you guys on that. But yeah…..diabetes again.

In that situation and in this present one, we had to change my medication again. In changing your medication, you have to again make sure that it works. Because I have diabetes, I was taken off a new psych med that they had put me on in July after my second trip to the psych ward and we had to figure out what to do to help me sleep AND help with the diabetes as well as make sure that my bipolar depression was still under control. It’s so much fun!

Therapy

As I stated above, I have been seeing a therapist for 22 years. With therapy, you have to do the same that you do with medication. You have to adjust your appointments to your needs. At one time, I was going weekly, then biweekly. I even made it to once a month (before COVID). Once COVID entered the picture, I had to go back to biweekly as I needed more support and that after the first altercation I had with my new teenager at the time.

My therapy is more of talking about things I have done, am doing, how I could have handled it, what caused it. I have come a LONG way. I have been with my therapist and psychiatrist for 12 years. We had to change the occurrence of my psychiatry visits as well.

Quick Story

Many years ago, while I was on my meds, I was at my sister’s house in Woodbridge, VA. My sister and I look a LOT alike and she had just put a relaxer in my hair. She had a neighbor that liked to pick fights. My sister’s stepson had mowed the lawn and the neighbor was mad that there was grass on the sidewalk so he came out and started sweeping it up. I’m sitting on the porch literally minding my own business. I was letting my hair air dry. So the neighbor kept coming out and saying things. I said nothing. She thought I was my sister who is soft spoken. She didn’t seem to notice that MY hair was wet but my sister’s hair was dry. She just kept saying things so I was like “Okay” because she seemed to want a response. I let it go my magic number of THREE times. But then the woman said to me “Go back to the ghetto!”

The speed of which I came up off my sister’s porch would put a track start to shame. That woman ran in her house, slammed the door, and called the police. My sister ran up out like a track star as well and pulled me back. I was going into that woman’s house.

I was on meds. I was seeing a therapist. After that situation, I talked to my psychiatrist as well as my therapist and we talked about how I could have diffused the situation. I could have probably gone in the house but I like to sit in the sun and I was NOT saying anything to that woman and she just wanted to keep picking. A trigger of mine is being picked on. She got her three strikes in such a short time that I thought, at the time, she deserved to be beaten. I didn’t see anything but that woman and I was going to get her.

The police came and we were waiting for them. I didn’t get arrested or anything (I am not really afraid of the police. I have interacted with them a number of times and was kind of suicidal so this doesn’t bother me) and the police, my sister, and I just had a talk with the officer and all was well.

In the End….

Life changes and, when life changes, our stressors change. My job has a mental health specialist call me monthly and, although they were calling me after my July psych visit and focusing on my bipolar disorder, my last assessment showed that I also had anxiety as well. Next month, maybe I won’t have the anxiety but I think I will because, although we have “fixed” the issue with my daughter, now my job is going through a lot of changes, rent has gone up, and I can’t do overtime for at least two weeks due to the fact that I have a new supervisor and training for a new project.

Life changes EVERY DAY! We never know what we’re going to get hit with on a daily basis. I think COVID has taught a lot of people that nothing is set in stone and we’re all just living our lives day to day at this point.

Don’t think that just because you have gone to therapy for a few weeks, months, or years, that you are CURED from whatever is deep within you. The purpose of therapy is to help you learn the source of your issues, learn to cope with it, and continue to grow from it. It doesn’t cure you. One can backslide and it doesn’t make you a failure. It just means that you have to revisit the situation, look at other options, and make the necessary changes to decrease the chances of it happening again.

Things that seem petty to others sometimes have been sitting in us for years just ready to come out. I have said many times that the meds and therapy have helped me BUT, given a chance that someone chose to do me or my daughter harm, there is so much rage in me that I might do a lot of damage which is why I stay away from people. And, if I am in good company with people that know me and my condition, I have their support to hold me back.

All I am saying it to take things like this into consideration when it comes to things like mental health. Some of us will live with these issues the rest of our lives and fight to keep things from coming out of us on the daily.

Thanks for reading.

My Village

It Has Been a Rough Number of Months

One thing I can say is that I have never had to handle all of the things that I have been through alone. I have spoken before of my village and I love them for all the things that they do. Their support comes in many forms. Sometimes just asking me how I’m doing is helpful.

Sometimes a pep talk about how I should be proud of myself for how I handled a situation is good. Helping me set small goals so that I don’t feel like a complete failure is another way they help.

I’ve had people that have never met me or my child send money to help me out. People have spoken to me about how I matter to this world and to those that know and love me. People have praised me for being transparent and trying to help others that might be going through what I’ve been going through or just trying to extinguish the stigma regarding mental illness among POC.

Source: http://www.anndouglas.net/blog/2019/7/24/it-takes-a-village-to-raise-a-parent
Here’s a Brief Story

Two months after I got out of the psych ward and was still feeling pretty down, my sister had a party and her friend, Gloria, was there. We were sitting and talking as I knew she knew about my visit to the psych ward. I was talking about how I don’t feel and didn’t feel that my daughter needed me or would care if I died.

I was so unhappy that I cried all the way to my sister’s house because my daughter was still just not helping my mental state (not her responsibility, I know) and I was feeling extremely low.

When I made the statement about not being needed here and how my daughter wouldn’t care, Gloria started crying. She talked about how she missed her mother every day and that I mean more to this world than just being a mom to a child. She talked about the day she met me and how our little conversations on Facebook would make her smile. She said that I had so much more to give to this world and she wished that I recognized that.

Now, mind you, I have been face to face with her a few times but I didn’t think that our brief interactions had that much of an impact on her life. She really gave me something to think about and I did.

Facebook Friends

I have friends that I have never met as stated before. They read my blogs and offer words of encouragement as well as resources. Some work with kids with special needs or have kids with special needs themselves.

They don’t judge, they let me vent. That’s helpful. Many of them have been where I am now or are going through it as well.

I have known these people (mostly women) for as long as my daughter has been alive and some longer than she has been alive so they know the journey we have been through. It’s helpful to be able to talk and be heard unlike that dang on Special Needs group I was in that told me I was wrong because I referred to my daughter as a “broad” or something that definitely wasn’t a cuss word because I don’t call my child cuss words but I already talked about those people. I don’t need anyone to agree with me but, if I’m there to vent among people that are going through some of the same things I’m going through, let me vent.

Coworkers

You would be surprised how your coworkers can support you. My job has message boards for every topic and one is depression, resiliency, and mental health (I work in the healthcare field). We talk about things and one of the people in the group reached out to me via email and wanted to have a talk with me because he lost his son to suicide.

We talked about the mindset and the things that he thought he did wrong. I had to let him know that sometimes there are no signs. I know people that have completed suicide that seemed okay. And that’s because we put on a show. We put on a show so that people that care about us won’t worry.

And since we’re speaking of coworkers, don’t forget the two snitches. You know the snitches that had the police come to my door because I didn’t sound right via messenger. LOL It’s not like they weren’t right (see Tales from the Psych Ward (Part One). They still snitches though.

These women are going through their own struggles, one of which lost both of her parents in less than a year, and the other that’s just trying to live her life with her nutty cats. And they are going through a lot more to the point that sometimes I feel I need to shut up. But they tell me not to.

I fight so hard to be that person that people can vent to that I feel like I have lost that ability in their eyes. They know I’m dealing with a lot of things but I don’t ever want them to think that they can’t still talk to me.

Helping others really gives me purpose. It makes me feel needed. It gives me a reason to use my raggedy BS in Psychology. I feel like I kind of lost some points in strength with my friends. They know I’m a strong person and what I’m going through and I think they don’t want to add things for me to worry about.

Family

I think they’re still trying to figure this mess out. When my daughter and I had the altercation that time, my oldest sister was going to come and get her off the bus but I had told my mother about what happened and she came and got her.

I took off all last week and really did nothing. I think I could say I deserved that much. I don’t usually do things for myself and feel that I should devote my funds to my child and bills as that’s my job as a mother. I begrudgingly decided to do what my friends had been telling me to do; get my hair done. Usually, if I spend money on hair, it’s to get my daughter’s hair done. Of course, one of my sisters decided to CashApp me money to get my hair done (which caused a crying fit). Once I took a pic of my hair and put it on Facebook, everyone was happy that I finally had done something for myself.

They told me that I would feel better if I did something for myself. I do feel better. And, for that, I thank my village. We’re all out here struggling and sometimes we need someone to offer encouraging words, check on us, show they care, even give mean people like me a hug. Those things don’t go unnoticed and they help more than any of you can understand.

Neighbors

How could I forget those angels? They look out. The ones to the right of me are SpED teachers and they are very supportive.

There is a lady downstairs that loves my dog, Gary. When I had to fight my daughter, she came out, went back in the house to put clothes on, and came out to help.

Today she gave me some things to add to my daughter’s reward drawer when she has a good week of getting up and ready for school. She is very supportive. She even brought me wine one day. Gave me her number and told me to call her when I needed her. Same for the neighbors next door.

They all said “We have to take care of one another” and it’s true. Oh, another neighbor walked my dog for me while I was in the psych ward. She even gave me a discount because she knew it was an emergency. People care and that’s good to know.

I’m going to end it here before I start crying and stuff.

Thanks for reading and going on this journey with me. Thanks to my meds, therapists, friends, family, coworkers, and strangers, the journey will continue.