The Aftermath – Part 2

After the Storm

My child comes into my room and asks me if I want Melatonin after reviewing the calendar to tell me what the next day was. She then went into her room and got on the computer I suggested she get on since her phone was no longer working.

Source: https://www.deviantart.com/crazy-killer-girl1/art/Jekyll-and-Hyde-673619344
Then Morning Came

I woke my child up as I usually do. I turn the light on and say “Time for school.” She jumps up, turns the light off, gets something, and goes to the bathroom (of course she slammed the door). Cool, right? I wish.

Ole girl refused to take a shower. I’m like “You need to take a shower and get ready for school.” She yelled at me that she didn’t have time to take a shower. As ole girl says from Frozen, I let it go. When you have a child with an ID (intellectual disability) or any disability, you learn when to pick your battles. Cool. You wanna stink and be known as the stinky girl at school, have at it.

THEN when I tried to tell her that her shoes were on the wrong feet, she said she didn’t have time for that either. Cool. I’ve stated in previous blogs that you have to learn a lot of patience, compromise, and how to pick your battles. No one was going to die from her not taking a shower nor walking around with shoes on the wrong feet (they were on the right feet when she got home).

When the bus came, she ran to get on it instead of getting her forehead kiss that I give her daily for protection before school. That burned a little but then she didn’t wave at me as the bus pulled off. Okay…..

Family Support

I let my siblings know about the details of last night and this morning (those that don’t read my blog) and one sister brought me a phone that she wasn’t using before going into the office, gave me a hug (even though I hate hugs), and told me she was proud of me. My oldest sister offered to come over on Friday after reading my blog.

Although I truly HATE to stress my mother out, she texted me and said she had been trying to call my daughter and couldn’t reach her so I told her what went down. She said she was coming over to get her off the bus and have a talk with her.

After school, my mother came over, talked to her, helped her clean her room, and discussed what she did. When I say that my child threw her phone and my phone charger at me, I’m talking about the big charger that you take out when you have no outlets. It’s heavy and could have messed me all up. My daughter told my mother “I gently placed it on the bed.” I had to laugh. She’s no dummy. Never has been one.

Social Media Support

A lot of my friends have kids that don’t have disabilities and some do. Many related, said I did well, that I was a good mom and that I could get through it. I thank them for it because it’s SO frustrating to literally have someone totally disrespect you when you have a history of violence and don’t let most people talk to you, throw things at you, or yell at you in regular life. People that know me know how far I have come. People that have kids with disabilities or without understand, especially parents to teenagers. I am very understanding of teenagers because I was one once and I do constantly try to put myself in her shoes as far as hormones and anger. I can’t put myself in her mindset as far as not accepting or understanding that I wasn’t sabotaging her phone. There is nothing I can do about that but attempt to explain it in different ways which I did. I do not have an ID.

Support Group “Support”

I literally went to an ID group to vent. I literally said “Just venting” and then told the story of what happened (briefly) and how I just kept it together and used the word “broad”. Someone took offense to me calling my child a “broad” and then told me to handle the situation with grace. This person was the administrator of the group. I was like “Do you know all the names that people call their children and you’re literally disregarding my venting to point out ‘broad’?”

Another woman told me I needed to learn to let things go. *sigh* Then another one tried to tell me that kids with ID are not like typical teenagers and that it wasn’t about her not “listening to” me. At that point, it was time for me to take my leave. Of course I know it’s not about her not listening to me which was why I tried to show her, explain, and give her other options to rectify the situation. My child was diagnosed in 2013. We have been to a behavioral specialist where I learned a TON, I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. My therapist just happens to work for ARC and mainly with older people with disabilities so she helps me as well. Somehow they assumed I was some sort of novice.

I literally write blogs about my experiences to help those that are new to this. I tell my experiences to let people know they’re not alone. Unfortunately, for some reason, they don’t allow people to post their blogs in there. Had they known a tad bit more about me or just stuck to the script, there wouldn’t have been any miscommunication. When a person says they just want to vent, let them vent. I didn’t expect that from a support group. So yeah , I bounced up out of that group.

I Have Been Meaning to Write About My Village

I have a huge village, many of which I have never met a day in my life. They are very invested in myself and my child. They know what we have been through. They have read my blog as well as my daughter’s blog. They have sent messages, done things for my daughter, done things for me, offered uplifting words, etc. THOSE are the people I need to talk to because that “support” group I was in…. just wow.

In the End

My daughter is an angel today. After her visit from her grandmother, she took a shower and I ordered a pizza as I was drained. She thanked me, got me some soda and brought it to me and is being sweet. This is how it happens. It doesn’t happen a lot and I know it’s hormones. I just know that I’m not going back to the psych ward.

Thank you all for reading and reaching out to me. It is appreciated.

Why I Didn’t Last Over a Week on Dating Sites This Time

Maybe I’m Just Stupid

Many years ago, I went on dating sites and had some experiences that were kind of good but mostly bad. But I was just really bored last week so I went ahead to Ok Cupid and Plenty of Fish Not sure why I thought things would be different but yeah…

Because I already knew that people didn’t read profiles, I made it extremely short and even put two of my blogs to tell them about my dating style (although I knew they would read them either). I put Things I Learned the Hard Way in the Dating World and “You’re So Pretty…. Why Are You Single?” A couple of people have read them but then they still want me to carry the whole conversation.

I Made a Mistake

I tell everyone, when they ask for my number or instantly give me their number, that I don’t give my number to people. One guy seemed really funny and cool so I made the mistake of giving him my number. People always say “You can always block the person” but I literally am one of those people that don’t want to do extra stuff. It’s just like my therapist who says she uses a Google number. If I have to do all that, is it really worth it?

But yeah, I gave my number to someone that doesn’t understand the concept of “I’m working 12 hr days” even though they have a job themselves. In less than a week, the dude “misses” me and makes my brain hurt a bit sometimes. Then he does the personal model mess that I HATE so I send extremely unflattering pics just to shut him up. Doesn’t work which makes me think there is something wrong with him or that he’s desperate. It makes me feel like dating is not for me and that I would really just rather be alone. Plus I’m not even feeling my best. If I am not feeling my best, I don’t need to be trying to be with or even entertain these people that instantly work my nerves by just not really having anything to say. I mean, they have NOTHING to say. They don’t talk to learn about you. They talk to tell you that they want to get close enough to have sex with you. That comes in the form of constant compliments and emptiness.

Today on Twitter, someone wrote that we should teach our girls that there’s more to life than male attention. I countered that we need to teach men not to continue to throw compliments as if we thrive off them. No matter what a woman does, the first thing that MOST men care about are the looks. It would be nice if someone commented on my profile with something in reference to what I said or even just asked me a question about one of my pics since that’s all they seem to care about.

There was one guy that posted pics but most of them were with women. So I asked him why he posted so many pics of himself with women and he said that those were the only ones he had in his phone. I found that to be interesting. I don’t know if that would draw women to you or push them away. I’m not a jealous woman and I wasn’t interested in the guy but just wanted to know the mindset behind the choosing of those pics. I think too much and analyze things but it just seems weird. It’s kind of like the guys that post pics with just crowds so you don’t even know who they are in the pic. Why?

In the End

I love love and I loved how I felt when I thought I was in love but, at the present time, I don’t think I have the energy enough to care about the thoughts, wants, and needs of someone that isn’t my child or animals.

People find love in their 70s and stuff. With my luck, that’s gonna be me and then I’m just gonna die or he’s gonna die right after I finally find him. Yay! They say not to look for love and I mostly don’t. But being bored that one day (or maybe just looking for more stuff to blog about) just made me remember why I would rather be single. I’m not lonely, just single. I truly like being alone especially if it means not having to be bothered with someone texting you so often that you just want to turn your phone off but then you wouldn’t be able to play your games on your phone. LOL

For my previous experiences with online dating (no clue why I thought it would be different but, thankfully, no one asked me to take pics of my feet), see Online Dating – Let’s Be Honest…. and Jeepers CREEPERS!!!! Thanks for reading! I’m off all week and out of Melatonin so I am thinking a lot. Gotta go pick some Melatonin up or some serious liquor.

The Aftermath

Almost Six Month Later….

Where am I now? Sometimes I don’t know if I’m better or not. However, almost 6 months since my discharge, I can’t say that much has changed besides my weight.

Every day I am gaining weight. My PCP and psychiatrist are working together to figure out a way to keep me motivated to even be here while maintaining my mental heath. One way is to help me sleep more. I have been told to take more vitamins as well to help me with energy.

However, I am still unmotivated as I have been especially because, like the time I was working out, eating right, and doing everything but still gaining weight, the cycle is repeating itself. To me, why work out and do what I’m supposed to be doing if I’m not seeing any results. So I will be seeing my doctor on Tuesday about a shot that will help me at least start. I am still pre diabetic (I kind of wish I had diabetes again so I could know the reason for this weight gain (see So I Have Diabetes)) but there has to be a reason that I continue to gain weight. It is very frustrating. The frustration doesn’t help with the motivation therefore, it’s just a stupid cycle of failure that I try to overcome on a daily basis. I tell myself every day that I will do better and I try but it doesn’t work the way I want. Yet I keep trying.

Family

Family is still family. They’re trying to be more cognizant of what is going on. When I came back from the psych ward, my family had cleaned my apartment, gotten rid of my daughter’s broken bed, gotten me a new microwave, and just did a lot because they knew some of the things that stressed me. Sadly, my daughter’s room was one of the biggest pains for me and I didn’t want someone to come into her embarrassingly dirty room and take down her dresser and bed.

Thankfully, my family took care of that. When my sister told me while I was in the ward, I cried. One of the assistants ran to my side with tissue because he hated to see a woman cry. I told him they were happy tears.

What people don’t understand is that sometimes we really need help but are too embarrassed to ask for it. Something as simple as cleaning is very hard. This weekend alone, I just slept. I finally willed myself out of the bed to clean the kitchen and do two loads of laundry. That alone took a lot out of me and I am back in the bed. Even with everything I have on my mind to blog about, I don’t have the motivation to even try to decipher all of the jumbled thoughts I have in my diseased brain.

Back to my family: They do what they can. They do what I allow. I need to learn to allow more. That is my issue.

My dad and my brother have not said anything about the situation. They don’t talk about these things. That is just the dynamic of my family. They don’t know what to say. I can understand that.

A New Village

Surprisingly, my neighbors have stepped up. I have one downstairs and a mother and daughter next door that have given me their numbers when I told them why I was gone. The neighbors next door had COVID and I had no clue. I had the daughter’s phone number and we communicated about packages if she needed me to pick them up but I had no clue they were very sick. We talked about how we needed to look out for one another so we text more often and even call sometimes.

The neighbor downstairs works a lot of weird hours and always yells about not being able to see Gary the way she is used to. She gave me some wine and told me also that we need to stick together as we are all struggling.

At This Very Moment….

My daughter’s phone is broken. I have told her that it’s not the charger but it’s the phone. Mind you, she lost her phone at school earlier this week and that stressed me. They found it and all was well.

However, because she doesn’t think that I know what I am talking about, she has thrown the phone and my charger at me no matter how many times I told her that it was the phone that no longer worked. She is in her room right now telling me to “Go to hell!” The last time she did that, we literally got into a fight (see: Having a Child with an Intellectual Disability WHILE Dealing with Your Own Mental Illness). She is also just calling me all kinds of names. You know what’s funny? I am doing everything in my power not to fight this child right now. She’s slamming doors and acting a fool. Gary is watching me to make sure I don’t get up and literally fight her. I’m just staying in my bed and typing right now.

The most I will do right now is probably text my siblings, coworker, and friend. I can’t call my mother because all she is going to do is stress herself out. This isn’t even what I wanted to type about but here we are right now.

I’m off all next week and have a lot of cleaning to do including her room as it is just a trash can. She’s mad but she has a computer and a Firestick that she can use. I fed that child and she didn’t even say “Thank you!” She literally snatched the plate and went in her room.

A person like me with that person inside that wants to come out and seriously hurt someone is having a hard time right now. But that’s what the meds are for. I’m just going to take my meds and mind my own business and now my dog is limping around but that’s a whole other story.

The Good Side

I’m off all next week, I cleaned the kitchen, washed and folded two loads of clothes, and wrote a blog. So I still win in the end. Hopefully that child will yell herself to sleep because I don’t have time for it. I’m not going back to the psych ward. Especially not twice in less than six months. F*ck that!

I’d Rather Be Manic

This mess is for the birds, for real. Being depressed and unmotivated gets you nothing in life. I’m over here gaining weight even though I work out. Feeling suicidal daily is fun and reading psychiatric charts makes it even more fun. People have some very creative ways of attempting but they don’t succeed. Therefore, I can’t follow their lead.

The things I used to love to do don’t make me happy anymore. I literally don’t enjoy playing my little games on my phone. I now feel as though they are a job.

I don’t think I can blame the new med. It’s supposed to help my current med work better. So far, it’s been almost three months and I don’t feel better. I don’t really feel much of a difference. I will email my psychiatrist about it.

Being manic gets more things done. I don’t even feel like writing very important blogs about feelings and conversations about mental health that I want to share.

I get in the bed and get mad. I throw my phone down in disgust and just go to sleep. I go to sleep extra early, wake up at around 2, and stay up and down until 5 when it’s time to wake up.

Kpop doesn’t make me happy anymore. I find myself missing my favorite podcasts and not caring about when they come out.

My words and thoughts might be manic at this time but it’s just the depression pouring out. And I haven’t even touched the surface.

Feels like drowning and then someone throws you a lifejacket filled with rocks because you’re already bogged down and everything is so heavy you can’t get up. Even my legs are heavy because I have gained so much weight.

This is all off the top of my head but this is how I am feeling. Again, I would rather be manic. I would be hyper and better at whatever goal I’m trying to achieve.

YouTubers and Their Lifesaving Channels (Part 2)

So we already talked about my true crime folks and now I want to go on to my other favorite vids which are comedy and Kpop vids. I will NOT talk about the channels that are made by the Kpop artists themselves as they already get enough attention but I will say that some of the best vids are by NCT. They have really cornered the market on the vlogs, no lie. If you didn’t know all 23 of them 2 years ago, you should now even if you are a new fan like me. But let’s get to the reactors, commentators, and just flat out comedians that have helped many during the quarantine.

ItsRaffy

If you want to scream laughing, I’m telling you, Raffy is a hot mess. This has been a huge week for Kpop with many comebacks and there is still one big one that everyone is looking forward to by NCT 127 on Friday (I believe). So far we have gotten track vids and teasers (he doesn’t watch teasers and I don’t blame him). But, even if you don’t care for Kpop or the artists he covers, you need to watch his vids JUST to see him calm in the beginning, go off DURING the vid, and then calm down again at the end.

Raffy comes complete with SM shoes for yelling at stylists and “devils” (he calls my Kai and many of the members of EXO demons). He moves his chair, he pauses, he also has to call on Jimin to compose himself.

Don’t let this pic fool you. Dude is a HOT MESS and we love him for it!

A new Stray Kids video came out today and this man was in rare form. Because I think he needs more attention, I’m going to post TWO of his vids because….man. If you want to scream laughin, just watch this nut. He comes across hate (he talked about it today) but it doesn’t even matter because we love him anyway.

Stray Kids – Red Lights MV

This is probably one of my favorite ones, he gets SO mad at EXO. A LOT of reactors get so sick of EXO. I mean, they didn’t introduce me to Kpop and make me stay for nothing. Look at these men but look at his response. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time and that’s what’s needed during the quarantine.

Dude got pregnant from Obsession! LMAO!

Be homophobic all you want but you are missing out on some serious comedy and seriously, this is how a lot of women respond. The men are a little bit more reserved but NOT Raffy. NOT at all. He even has a song that I personally like that is his theme song called Where My Money@ and it’s on Spotify. You’ll hear it in the vids.

Where My Money @

If you want to follow ItsRaffy, you can find him here:

Sorry, I had to add this one. It came out today. NCT 127 just put out their brand new video for their title track “Sticker” and the world will never be the same. And here is ItsRaffy having a whole heart attack.

Dezzy March

I talked about Bris (see How Kpop Changed My Life (Part ONE of a MILLION) before but he’s too big now so he doesn’t need any words from me. Dezzy March has collaborated with Bris and has his own channel. He is pretty funny and he reacts to a lot of vids. He recently reacted to Chloe Bailey and I was dying at the statue comment. I will post some of the ones that have had me laughin. I WILL say that he did NOT like that Jay Park vid and I think that’s when I discovered him. He said a lot of what Black people were saying regarding appropriation. That video had been taken down but he was one of the only people that caught it before it got taken down.

His Jay Park video was probably one of the REALEST reactions that I have ever seen. Most people only speak good about the videos, even the ones that are lacking. This dude straight up told how he felt and many people agreed with him (including me). If you are talking about your DNA and you’re Korean, put YOUR culture up, not ours. Appropriation is not a game. The issue is mainly that, the people in South Korea are so used to not having to think about the opinions of other cultures but Kpop has opened that door a long time ago. They have to rethink how they do and say things but that’s a whole different post and I’m still mad at what The Penthouse did. I canceled Jay Park because of this and most people didn’t even though this wasn’t his first offense. It wasn’t just the video but it was the fact that he really tried to defend it. Watch the vid though, you’ll understand.

Dezzy is just really cool and calm for the most part until you irk him. This is refreshing. He doesn’t kiss ass and that’s something that a LOT of reactors do. I haven’t seen anyone say they didn’t like something before. There are some EXO songs that I don’t like and I will say it. What? Is EXO going to come to my house and beat me up (please do, I want to meet yall). But yeah, Dezzy is refreshing to watch.

You can follow Dezzy March here:

Commentary and Comedy YouTubers

Briczennie

I like Briczennie because she is Black, older, knowledgeable, and neutral. Those are things you don’t really find when it comes to Kpop. People are either all up in arms about things that don’t matter or cancelling folks off rumors. I am happy to see more Black people that take an interest in Kpop so that the doors can further be opened. The thing is that we have always been here but we have just become more vocal.

I actually posted a vid of hers in a previous blog about Kpop here: How Kpop Changed My Life (Part ONE of a MILLION). She is into Kpop so she watches shows and does recaps of them. She has a discord as well as a Patreon. You can find her here:

Shitty Flute

My nutty friend who is also one of the snitches told me about this channel called Shitty Fluted. Sent me a link and you don’t know how much I laughed the first time I heard it. However, ShittyFluted is who introduced me to Stray Kids. I have a few favorites by them. They cover all types of songs. I love YMCA, Africa, and definitely God’s Menu but there are SO many more songs from all genres that they do.

The comments on the vids are hilarious and we just all appreciate the pure humor and the ability not to take themselves so seriously. Have a listen and laugh.

I just woke my cat up with this. She is mad but, if you need a laugh, just seriously listen to this and laugh til you cry. I literally cry laughing off these. I had never heard God’s Menu until this so I then went to find the original and the rest is history. Stray Kids is taking all my money and I blame Shitty Flute. We really want them to go on Spotify but I haven’t seen that happen yet which hurts my little heart.

If you would like to follow Shitty Flute, you can find them here:

ONE MORE!!!!!

RebEwel

This is a dynamic duo here that only has 1k subscribers which I think is a shame because their vids are SO good and funny. Most Americans don’t know Korean so, of course, we’re going to ruin Kpop songs that we love. RebEwel makes it so that we aren’t as dumb as we think we are because their lyrics are truly over the top.

I don’t know where you can find them besides YouTube (I just found them on Twitter @ewelreb) BUT I will say that this is a great channel and good for laughs all day. You cannot unhear the lyrics and I actually learned how to sing Taemin’s “Idea” because of them, thanks! I personally think they deserve more attention which was why I had to talk about them.

In Summary…

All of these YouTube creators are helping us get through the quarantine. In addition to the artists that these creators make comedy vids, talk about, and react to, we are truly lucky to have these creators to put smiles and laughter in our hearts.

Most people that read my blogs know that I have had a very tough few years now but seeing these vids always makes my day.

Check them out and see if they make your day too.

As always, thanks so much for reading.

YouTubers and Their Lifesaving Channels (Part One)

Let’s face it, many of us wouldn’t have even survived without many of the YouTubers that are out here giving us their treasures in the form of entertaining vids.

In Dedication to Jenna Marbles (No, She Didn’t Die But Still…..)

Many years ago, I found out about YouTube and that was because of a YouTuber that left. She felt bad for her past vids that no one had a problem with when they came out. Jenna Marbles, thank you for introducing me to YouTube and good luck on your future marriage. Jenna Marbles was the epitome of beauty, brains, and straight up comedy. We do miss her so much and I wish that she understood how much we respect her. I mean, this woman took some fish back to the pet store because she was told that she didn’t have the correct type of aquarium. She literally cried. She is a pure person and I hope to see her again on YouTube. Until then, we will follow your man, Julian, and hope to see you in his vids. LOL

https://www.youtube.com/user/jennamarbles

True Crime

Bailey Sarian

If you don’t know who she is, then you hate makeup OR true crime. Shoot, you might even hate yourself. Bailey Sarian is the pioneer on YouTube for Makeup, Mystery, Makeup MONDAYS (*theme song*). If you are a fan, you know her theme song and it’s going your head right now or you’re singing it out loud. It’s 5 a.m. here so I can’t yell it.

If you are a fan, you ALSO know that these cases have been heavy on her *click* NOGGIN and this means it’s going to be good. Bailey Sarian is a beautiful young lady (yes, I can call her that, I’m old compared to all these people I am talking about but (as always) I don’t look it LOL) who has killed it in the YouTube world just by her ability to tell stories, have dark humor, encourage her viewers, and beat her face while doing it. Yes, the girl can SLAY a face. She does her makeup and, sometimes she might not know where the look is going, but she makes it work. A lot of the true crime people LOVE Halloween so, during Halloween, many true crime podcasters and Youtubers go out of their way . No clue but I hate all holidays, howEVER, if it means more content, I’ll like it. LMAO!

In addition to MMMM, Bailey Sarian does Dark History where she doesn’t do makeup but talks about historic things that have happened that are lesser known. She just started that series which is a podcast and is on YouTube. But, again, no makeup (yes, I am crying inside). Dark History airs on podcast mediums on Wednesdays and on YouTube on Thursdays. I would suggest you check it out. It’s VERY good.

No lie, she has commented to me on Twitter and I was all happy. I also have her palette. It has some nice colors and all that fun stuff.

Follow Bailey on:

Brittney Vaughn

What can I say about this young lady? She is a piece of work and she is just one of those people that you have to instantly like. Brittney is also a GREAT story teller who does makeup and true crime. Her series airs on Tuesdays and Thursdays (so far we’ve got Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday for true crime with makeup) and are full of tons of entertainment. She just moved to Texas (“Beyonce Land”) and is out here on these streets trying to get her beautiful French Bulldog into Hogwarts. And then she turned around and got a new puppy as well. It’s a girl named Bella. Blu got accepted into Hogwarts so now we have to get Bella in there as well.

Anyhow, what draws people to Brittney is that sass and the fact that she’s talking to us like we’re her girlfriends. Blu gets chased by geese, we know about it. If a serial killer or just a killer has your astrological sign, she’s gonna shame you. She will. Brittney is one of those people that is relatable. She shared the story of why she started the YouTube channel and how she, just like many other YouTubers, didn’t think anyone would watch. I believe she got her plaque for all her subscribers and I’m sure she will get another one soon enough.

Brittney always acknowledges Bailey and has suggested other true crime YouTubers that are up and coming. This is very important to those of us that like constant content. It’s also beautiful to see how much these influencers support one another. If you look in the notes for her episodes, she lists at least four other people.

If you want to follow Brittney, here you are and you’re welcome because you won’t regret it:

  • 🐣Twitter | GlamazonGod
  • 👻Snapchat | Bvaughn02
  • 📸Instagram | GlamazonVaughn
  • Email: Bvaughn021@gmail.com

Better Off Red

Sara is a newer YouTuber that has done makeup for a while but she has added “Crue Trime” to her repertoire. She is a bit of an unlikely source of comedy. Brittney actually suggested that we watch her. I did and I was stuck after that. I would suggest you watch the vid below. This broad was singing that “Dead Giveaway” song and I swear I was dying.

She is very funny and I am sure she is going to get her play button from YouTube very soon as she is at about 45K subscribers right now. Hopefully her numbers will continue to grow. She really is funny and tries to do local crimes as she is in the DC area (not far from me) so that makes things kind of cool too for the locals here.

Follow Sara here:

I would suggest going ahead and binging Sara’s vids as I had to do with all the others (Bailey, Brittney, Sara anddddddd……. Mike).

That Chapter with Mike Oh

One of the few male YouTubers that I watch because… makeup is Mike Oh. Mike doesn’t put makeup on but he has a great Irish accent so he wins for that. I love to watch his videos because he does a lot of good research but it’s just him and he’s still entertaining. Many people that just sit and tell the stories seem too rehearsed and boring. There are some that are popular that I just can’t get with but Mike isn’t one of them. With over 1.3M viewers, we can’t all be wrong.

True crime can be matter of fact and funny at the same time. Many people don’t understand that concept but Mike has found the perfect mix in his vids about many cases that a lot of people haven’t even heard of.

We also love how he says “three” as “tree”. But Mike Oh is one of those YouTubers that has been in this game for a while. I stumbled upon him through suggestions on another of the aforementioned YouTuber’s vids. I am glad that I found him and he has a TON of content out there. Definitely “give it a goo” (I think that’s what he says).

Mike puts his vids out twice a week. I just click on them as soon as I get the notification (I do this for all mentioned as I have no life and there is usually a time where I go on YouTube and look for things).

Mike can be followed on

In the End

These YouTubers are out here giving people life while speaking of untimely, and sometimes brutal, deaths. This is a form of therapy to some including the YouTubers themselves. I know that, in Brittney’s case, her therapist told her to play in makeup and do whatever as a form of therapy. Look at what it has gotten her. All of these YouTubers, no matter how long they have been doing this, have been the source of laughs, tears, and entertainment. We all should appreciate, acknowledge, and support them all because of this. It’s not easy to put yourself out there for the masses. So, my thanks to all that were mentioned and some that I will talk about later as far as true crime (there are some up and coming true crime YouTubers).

This is just part one because I was really going to put my Kpop people on this but this would be extra long SO this is part one of a two part series. So, the next part will be Kpop Commentary and Comedy. There are many. The comedy is Kpop and non Kpop however and it’s going to be a lot longer than this list. THEN I’m going to cover podcasts that I love but that should just be a one part post (doubt it).

Thank you so much for reading this far. I really appreciate it.

It’s My Birthday….Big WHOOP!

Eh…..

As most of you know, I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness so birthdays literally are just another day to me. I like to get the wishes and to know that people think about me (or Facebook tells them) to tell me that they’re happy I’m alive.

I know my ex knew that I didn’t celebrate birthdays and he said “I just want to celebrate the day that God gave you life and gave you to me.” Does he feel that way now? LMAO1 NOPE! He probably wishes I jumped off that bridge. Okay, he doesn’t, we are amicable because I was the horrible one in that relationship. I could have been married. LOL

How Did My Birthday Go?

HA! You wanna know how it went? Man, I woke my kid up and she gave me attitude all morning. Today was the first day of school. I told her to take a shower, she told me she didn’t have time. I wake her up at 5:30 a.m. but I guess it’s going to be 5:00 a.m. from now on. It doesn’t hurt me. I go to sleep early.

This broad caught an attitude when I told her to tuck her shirt in her pants. The irony is that she tucks her shirt into her pants when they shouldn’t be BUT, when I tell her to do it……nope!

Then I got a text from my mother letting me know her health problems. So either I was going to have to take her to a doc, or see if someone else would. My sister did and she still wasn’t seen after they triaged her. I told her to go home and try again later.

This seems to be the start of what happened last time and she really needs a colonoscopy and that’s an issue because we’re trying to find a sooner appointment for a new patient for a GI.

Okay, but what good things happened?

  • Free Starbucks
  • Free Chipotle Sides
  • Gift Cards to BOTH of these places
  • I still have a job
  • I didn’t go off on my kid for always talking back and even had to pray
  • Didn’t tell my dad to STFU when he was complaining about everything that no one can control because my mom is showing signs that she is sick again.
  • Planned to get a pedicure….. didn’t because….. people
Accomplishments

Man, what did I do? This year, I managed to get back to the psych ward (see Psych ward) didn’t kill anyone including myself, went to see a great podcast show. I got the most views ever in my 8 years of blogging with 392 views on my I Went to a Podcast Show “Alone” post. in ONE day.

I have been trying to read more, doing more things that make me happy that are simple such as playing my games on my phone, coloring, listening to music, and even got myself a treadmill to help with my mental health. I read more (or listen to Audible) and I’m still working on learning new languages as well as playing more in makeup.

Work in Progress

I’m not perfect and never will be but I learn more about myself every day. I learn more about life and my daughter. I failed a little bit this year but I can only come out stronger. If I don’t learn anything from any of the experiences I have had this year, then it was a real fail. So, in that sense, I have NOT failed. I’m getting better with every year. I make goals that are written down in my calendar.

I just need to step my game up. My biggest goal is to get a house where Gary can run around and I can walk him in a nice neighborhood. I’m going to have to win the lottery or find some blind, rich dude to marry me. Years ago, I said I was going to be working from home. That’s what I’m doing now.

So I’m going to speak a home into existence. I need to speak a vacation into existence too. A beautiful beach so I can smile like a dummy while standing in the ocean. It makes me so happy to stand in water. It’s not the same as standing in the tub. LOL

In the End…..

Today wasn’t the best day BUT I survived the year. I made it. And I got free things to boot. This day is not all about me. It’s about everyone that helped me to make it this far and there are a lot of you guys. Thank you so much for helping me be a better person even when we don’t agree. I like having people that challenge me, support me, support my DAUGHTER, and just truly CARE. I have so much to write about this and how people have rallied around me. These people weren’t around for the first visit to the psych ward. Some may have thought I was lying. But the change in people after my stay on the floor of death, has been beauitful.

I promise I will be writing about a lot of happier things. I don’t want my newer readers to think that all I do is think negatively and complain. I truly don’t. I’m just real about a lot of things and I don’t have any shame in who I am, how I am, my diagnoses, etc.

As always, thank you for reading my blog and I hope to see you soon with a nice, fun, post. I shall promise this to you. And as No Doubt says:

I Don’t Like People and Other Stories About My RBF (Resting B*tch Face)

People seem to have a problem with the fact that my face is always looking like “I don’t like you, get out my face or go take a walk somewhere else.” Well, most people know this as Resting B*tch Face (RBF). People wonder why I’m always looking like that and there are plenty of reasons.

Defense Mechanism Against Stupidity

The first one is that I really just use it as a defense mechanism. I don’t want you coming to me for anything or even talking to me. Because I don’t like people.

I know that this is hard to believe because I am a very personable person and most people like me but people are humans and humans tend to like to mess with people or be rude. So, before they start getting on my nerves, I turn them around before they even try.

I grew up in an area that wasn’t horrible but wasn’t great either. In order to get people NOT to bother you, you have to give off a vibe (that sometimes people tend to ignore) that you don’t want to be bothered and they might be in danger. People look at your demeanor when it comes to robbing and stealing unless it is personal. But you have to let folks know they need to go somewhere else.

Shyness Was Also a Thing

Someone commented on my RBF and why they called me Evileen when I was younger. What they didn’t understand was that I was extremely shy and JUST DID NOT WANT PEOPLE TO TALK TO ME. I hated when I had to ride in cars with my friend’s parents to go pick up my friends because I was so shy it hurt.

I was just telling someone that my best friend’s dad picked me up to take me to pick my friend up from her piano lessons and I was just sitting in the car looking out the window hoping he didn’t talk to me. And I loved their family. I just literally didn’t know what to say.

Hatred of Bullies and Knowing My Temper

As a teenager, I kept that face as well. One lady gave me that hateful nickname because she said I always looked mean. Well, that was because sometimes people say things that piss you off and you want them not to even attempt to do it …. but they do it anyway. So that face is sitting there because you’re not trying to jab them in the throat.

Even AS A TEENAGER, I knew my temper. I knew it very well because I would get so angry that I had palpitations at a young age. I was killing my heart and I knew that. I had to learn to calm myself down because I was extremely violent when I was a teenager (see that story in The Story of My Mental Illness). So, when people tried to mess with me, I would go literally from 0 to 1000 real quick and it could get bad. But it was worse for me physically. Emotionally, it was pretty bad as well because I had to learn not to keep holding my rage inside of me but I also had to learn how to let the rage out in a way that didn’t hurt anyone. So I started working out at a young age. Weights were my friends and I used them. It was better than hitting people or having to go to jail.

I also had to make the Three Strikes Rule. I kept good mental inventory of someone constantly messing with me. That’s when I gave myself permission to go off. If you constantly were just messing with me, there was no start over on the count. I was just going to get you one way or another. I lost jobs because people loved to pick on you while you were working and minding your business. I think I have lost 3 jobs including the last one I had before the one I have now (I needed to lose that job).

The new manager was just literally a trash bag and, whatever she gets in life, she deserves it. She was so bad that people were just leaving. I had been at that practice for almost 7 years, been through 3 managers before she came, and she came in micromanaging. No one liked her and she was just a lurker which was annoying.

The day I knew I was fired, she kept messing with me and then told me I wasn’t a team player although I had written a memo to the medical staff in the back office months prior to this “issue” being brought up. She talked and kept talking standing behind me while I tried to do my work. Just kept talking. So I told her she needed to go somewhere because you’re really trying to pick a fight. She kept running that mouth and, honestly, it would have been her last day on this earth but she wasn’t worth it.

I had already been looking for a job. Anyhow, they sent me home for the rest of the day. She claimed I was cussing and that there were patients and stuff. Whatever. Anyhow, I went and got all my stuff just in case they fired me on Monday which they did. When it was time to bounce, I took my lil bit that I left and bounced up out there. Too bad they forgot to ask me for passwords.

Anyhow, she started all that and I wasn’t the only one complaining. I had also been talking to the doctors about the grievances that the rest of the staff had with her but that didn’t matter because this broad is a liar. So she can stay there while I work from home at the job I got 1 month after being fired. Thank you, Mandy (yes, her name would be Mandy, ole trash bag).

I often think about what I would do to people that have done me dirty if I see them in the street. There was another one too. She’s probably dead by now but she really deserved a good punch in that crooked nose of hers.

See this is the other part of me that can be mean but my main way of showing how mean I am is hitting people. I hate that talking mess. And Mandy almost got swung on because you don’t come behind someone and keep talking when they’re not talking to you. I asked her to leave me alone too. Same day I was fired, she announced that she was preggers. Good thing I didn’t beat her *ss. But she almost got it. The kid is out of her now though. Kid is like 6 now so…..

In The End….

This is really why I don’t “people” much. I have a temper and people are my triggers (see: Knowing Your Triggers). It depends on the environment and the people’s auras. But I really stay away from people so much that I rarely leave my home because even driving pisses me off so bad.

I might be doing better and learning more about myself as a person but I’m always trying to keep myself away from jail or the stupid psych ward. That was just a mess and I should be embarrassed for having to go twice. Maybe I need to stop making promises because I straight promised I wasn’t going back there and ended up right back there 12 years later.

So, if you see me with my RBF and you want to be funny and piss me off, don’t say you weren’t warned. I’m one of the nicest people until crossed. Once crossed….I can’t guarantee my response. I do my best not to go back to that place but that’s why I also write these. I reflect on where my actions come from and what to do in the future ON MY END (because you can’t control other people). The best thing for me is to take people in small doses. Well… unless it’s a Kpop concert (see: How Kpop Changed My Life (Part 3): That Time I Saw SuperM Live) or one of my favorite podcasts (see: I Went to a Podcast Show “Alone” ) .

I actually have to tell you about my favorite podcasts and YouTube people. Maybe that’s next. Maybe it’s not. Who knows? I just live here. LOL

Dumb Crap on My Mind

Mad
  • If I hadn’t gone to the flippin psych ward, I would still have my streaks on Duolingo and MyFitnessPal. I kind of don’t even want to keep up with my languages anymore because I’m bitter.
  • I don’t want to do anything today. I went to take a nap at lunch and got mad for no reason.
  • Why is it a crime to commit suicide? Like why do the police have to get involved if someone is trying to kill themselves and not someone else?
Grateful
  • At least I have a job, a car, a roof over my head
  • My daughter is healthy and she looks cute or whatever
  • We got some overtime for the month which is great because…. poor
  • I have some of the best friends ever and we don’t have to be in each other’s face all the time to know that there is someone that cares
  • I got paid today but …. bills
  • I won $1 on my $1 lottery ticket
Thinking
  • I’m NOT going back to the psych ward but I don’t know what the alternative is
  • The vet called my house for Cutie and Gary in the message and I thought it was the cutest thing. Like they answered the phone and are gonna drive themselves
  • I have a lot of stuff that I should be doing but….. still unmotivated
Random
  • My treadmill would be my friend if I hadn’t put so much oil on it. I tried to run it to fix it and even tried to clean it but it still feels like I will fall if I run.
  • Medical bills suck but at least I have insurance (that one probably should have gone under the Thankful one but I’m lazy)
  • Sometimes I go to sites for expensive things and lament not being a stripper or paying a ton of money to get my body done so some rich person would like me
  • I’m old but at least I don’t look it
  • How come I can’t get drunk and CBD gummies do nothing for me?

In the end…..

I’m still not okay but I can act like I am until I break again.

Yesterday Was my Eight Year Blogaversary!

No, That Isn’t a Word But Whatever

Someone pissed me off back in 2014 to the point that I had to go ahead and write about it. Of course, many people didn’t read it People Just Don’t Get It was one of my first blogs about people claiming to have mental illnesses when they truly don’t know what it’s like to actually have a mental illness. 

It’s not the cool thing to do but, if that’s how you think you get attention, more power to you. I wouldn’t wish bipolar disorder on a soul. The mess is trash and everyone isn’t bipolar so stop throwing  that word around.

Eight Years of Ranting

I want someone to hire me to write but I haven’t done everything that I can to make that a reality. I know I have to make a separate resume for this as my medical resume isn’t really helping with much but the fact that I have education and can show my blog as references of my writing style and skills.

I have so much to give and would like to reach a bigger audience so that I can continuously educate people about mental illness, parenting a child with special needs, dating, having fun, and just trying to survive in this crazy world.

Numbers

I don’t usually get high numbers.  I will say that the last post that I did got about 400 views.  It was mainly because they were gracious enough to allow me to promote the blog about their show in the group.

Do I think I will get numbers like that ever again? NOPE! I bring up old blog posts to get some traffic on them and hope that people’s curiosity would allow them to look at my other work.

I go around to other blogs and follow them hoping for a follow in return.  I like to read a lot of the blogs about lifestyles.  It seems as though people are more forthcoming here. We aren’t judged which is great.

Why Did I Start a Blog?

I couldn’t really say. I just know that something pissed me off and I wrote about it. I’m best at conveying my true feelings in the form of writing. This way, I can think my thoughts out and convey them in a manner that others will understand (or I think they will understand). I think this is why I would rather text than talk on the phone. I like to see what I have said and review what I said to see where the conversation might have gone to the left.

Sometimes I just want to talk about things and it’s not time for me to harass my psychiatrist or therapist but I type all this out and then talk to them about it. My psychiatrist has read a few of my blogs actually. He likes them.

I think the older I got and the more mess I saw on social media, I felt that my voice needed to be heard. People often ask why I am so candid and my thought is that, if I’m not, why would anyone else want to be candid with me? Something that I enjoy doing is helping people. In this format, I don’t have to be in front of you to help you. I can just talk about my experiences and observations and hope that people read and evaluate some things about their surroundings, themselves, goals, family, etc.

The goal is to get people to see how silly it is to act as though mental illness is a taboo subject. It shouldn’t be. Just as I might have Diabetes or Asthma, mental illness is common for many people and can be controlled or eradicatedif it is an acute mental illness. We have to stop putting a stigma on this or there are going to be a lot more people out here self medicating or not channeling their trauma onto something productive.

Sadly, I see this all the time and feel lucky that I did what I did at an early age. I really encourage everyone to look at my other posts or just look at the contents and see what might interest you. I talk about everything and usually tag some of my old and useful blog posts from the early years into conversations. Why? Because the topics are brought up so often, you get sick of talking about it so you write about it instead. No need to even repeat myself.

Anyhow, I am proud that I have made it to 8 years of blogging. I need more consistency but my life always gives me something to “rant” about. I have so much more to talk about regarding the aftermath of my visit to the behavioral health hotel so please look out for it.

Again, thanks for reading and, if you would like to share, please do so.