I’d Rather Be Manic

This mess is for the birds, for real. Being depressed and unmotivated gets you nothing in life. I’m over here gaining weight even though I work out. Feeling suicidal daily is fun and reading psychiatric charts makes it even more fun. People have some very creative ways of attempting but they don’t succeed. Therefore, I can’t follow their lead.

The things I used to love to do don’t make me happy anymore. I literally don’t enjoy playing my little games on my phone. I now feel as though they are a job.

I don’t think I can blame the new med. It’s supposed to help my current med work better. So far, it’s been almost three months and I don’t feel better. I don’t really feel much of a difference. I will email my psychiatrist about it.

Being manic gets more things done. I don’t even feel like writing very important blogs about feelings and conversations about mental health that I want to share.

I get in the bed and get mad. I throw my phone down in disgust and just go to sleep. I go to sleep extra early, wake up at around 2, and stay up and down until 5 when it’s time to wake up.

Kpop doesn’t make me happy anymore. I find myself missing my favorite podcasts and not caring about when they come out.

My words and thoughts might be manic at this time but it’s just the depression pouring out. And I haven’t even touched the surface.

Feels like drowning and then someone throws you a lifejacket filled with rocks because you’re already bogged down and everything is so heavy you can’t get up. Even my legs are heavy because I have gained so much weight.

This is all off the top of my head but this is how I am feeling. Again, I would rather be manic. I would be hyper and better at whatever goal I’m trying to achieve.

YouTubers and Their Lifesaving Channels (Part 2)

So we already talked about my true crime folks and now I want to go on to my other favorite vids which are comedy and Kpop vids. I will NOT talk about the channels that are made by the Kpop artists themselves as they already get enough attention but I will say that some of the best vids are by NCT. They have really cornered the market on the vlogs, no lie. If you didn’t know all 23 of them 2 years ago, you should now even if you are a new fan like me. But let’s get to the reactors, commentators, and just flat out comedians that have helped many during the quarantine.

ItsRaffy

If you want to scream laughing, I’m telling you, Raffy is a hot mess. This has been a huge week for Kpop with many comebacks and there is still one big one that everyone is looking forward to by NCT 127 on Friday (I believe). So far we have gotten track vids and teasers (he doesn’t watch teasers and I don’t blame him). But, even if you don’t care for Kpop or the artists he covers, you need to watch his vids JUST to see him calm in the beginning, go off DURING the vid, and then calm down again at the end.

Raffy comes complete with SM shoes for yelling at stylists and “devils” (he calls my Kai and many of the members of EXO demons). He moves his chair, he pauses, he also has to call on Jimin to compose himself.

Don’t let this pic fool you. Dude is a HOT MESS and we love him for it!

A new Stray Kids video came out today and this man was in rare form. Because I think he needs more attention, I’m going to post TWO of his vids because….man. If you want to scream laughin, just watch this nut. He comes across hate (he talked about it today) but it doesn’t even matter because we love him anyway.

Stray Kids – Red Lights MV

This is probably one of my favorite ones, he gets SO mad at EXO. A LOT of reactors get so sick of EXO. I mean, they didn’t introduce me to Kpop and make me stay for nothing. Look at these men but look at his response. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time and that’s what’s needed during the quarantine.

Dude got pregnant from Obsession! LMAO!

Be homophobic all you want but you are missing out on some serious comedy and seriously, this is how a lot of women respond. The men are a little bit more reserved but NOT Raffy. NOT at all. He even has a song that I personally like that is his theme song called Where My Money@ and it’s on Spotify. You’ll hear it in the vids.

Where My Money @

If you want to follow ItsRaffy, you can find him here:

Sorry, I had to add this one. It came out today. NCT 127 just put out their brand new video for their title track “Sticker” and the world will never be the same. And here is ItsRaffy having a whole heart attack.

Dezzy March

I talked about Bris (see How Kpop Changed My Life (Part ONE of a MILLION) before but he’s too big now so he doesn’t need any words from me. Dezzy March has collaborated with Bris and has his own channel. He is pretty funny and he reacts to a lot of vids. He recently reacted to Chloe Bailey and I was dying at the statue comment. I will post some of the ones that have had me laughin. I WILL say that he did NOT like that Jay Park vid and I think that’s when I discovered him. He said a lot of what Black people were saying regarding appropriation. That video had been taken down but he was one of the only people that caught it before it got taken down.

His Jay Park video was probably one of the REALEST reactions that I have ever seen. Most people only speak good about the videos, even the ones that are lacking. This dude straight up told how he felt and many people agreed with him (including me). If you are talking about your DNA and you’re Korean, put YOUR culture up, not ours. Appropriation is not a game. The issue is mainly that, the people in South Korea are so used to not having to think about the opinions of other cultures but Kpop has opened that door a long time ago. They have to rethink how they do and say things but that’s a whole different post and I’m still mad at what The Penthouse did. I canceled Jay Park because of this and most people didn’t even though this wasn’t his first offense. It wasn’t just the video but it was the fact that he really tried to defend it. Watch the vid though, you’ll understand.

Dezzy is just really cool and calm for the most part until you irk him. This is refreshing. He doesn’t kiss ass and that’s something that a LOT of reactors do. I haven’t seen anyone say they didn’t like something before. There are some EXO songs that I don’t like and I will say it. What? Is EXO going to come to my house and beat me up (please do, I want to meet yall). But yeah, Dezzy is refreshing to watch.

You can follow Dezzy March here:

Commentary and Comedy YouTubers

Briczennie

I like Briczennie because she is Black, older, knowledgeable, and neutral. Those are things you don’t really find when it comes to Kpop. People are either all up in arms about things that don’t matter or cancelling folks off rumors. I am happy to see more Black people that take an interest in Kpop so that the doors can further be opened. The thing is that we have always been here but we have just become more vocal.

I actually posted a vid of hers in a previous blog about Kpop here: How Kpop Changed My Life (Part ONE of a MILLION). She is into Kpop so she watches shows and does recaps of them. She has a discord as well as a Patreon. You can find her here:

Shitty Flute

My nutty friend who is also one of the snitches told me about this channel called Shitty Fluted. Sent me a link and you don’t know how much I laughed the first time I heard it. However, ShittyFluted is who introduced me to Stray Kids. I have a few favorites by them. They cover all types of songs. I love YMCA, Africa, and definitely God’s Menu but there are SO many more songs from all genres that they do.

The comments on the vids are hilarious and we just all appreciate the pure humor and the ability not to take themselves so seriously. Have a listen and laugh.

I just woke my cat up with this. She is mad but, if you need a laugh, just seriously listen to this and laugh til you cry. I literally cry laughing off these. I had never heard God’s Menu until this so I then went to find the original and the rest is history. Stray Kids is taking all my money and I blame Shitty Flute. We really want them to go on Spotify but I haven’t seen that happen yet which hurts my little heart.

If you would like to follow Shitty Flute, you can find them here:

ONE MORE!!!!!

RebEwel

This is a dynamic duo here that only has 1k subscribers which I think is a shame because their vids are SO good and funny. Most Americans don’t know Korean so, of course, we’re going to ruin Kpop songs that we love. RebEwel makes it so that we aren’t as dumb as we think we are because their lyrics are truly over the top.

I don’t know where you can find them besides YouTube (I just found them on Twitter @ewelreb) BUT I will say that this is a great channel and good for laughs all day. You cannot unhear the lyrics and I actually learned how to sing Taemin’s “Idea” because of them, thanks! I personally think they deserve more attention which was why I had to talk about them.

In Summary…

All of these YouTube creators are helping us get through the quarantine. In addition to the artists that these creators make comedy vids, talk about, and react to, we are truly lucky to have these creators to put smiles and laughter in our hearts.

Most people that read my blogs know that I have had a very tough few years now but seeing these vids always makes my day.

Check them out and see if they make your day too.

As always, thanks so much for reading.

YouTubers and Their Lifesaving Channels (Part One)

Let’s face it, many of us wouldn’t have even survived without many of the YouTubers that are out here giving us their treasures in the form of entertaining vids.

In Dedication to Jenna Marbles (No, She Didn’t Die But Still…..)

Many years ago, I found out about YouTube and that was because of a YouTuber that left. She felt bad for her past vids that no one had a problem with when they came out. Jenna Marbles, thank you for introducing me to YouTube and good luck on your future marriage. Jenna Marbles was the epitome of beauty, brains, and straight up comedy. We do miss her so much and I wish that she understood how much we respect her. I mean, this woman took some fish back to the pet store because she was told that she didn’t have the correct type of aquarium. She literally cried. She is a pure person and I hope to see her again on YouTube. Until then, we will follow your man, Julian, and hope to see you in his vids. LOL

https://www.youtube.com/user/jennamarbles

True Crime

Bailey Sarian

If you don’t know who she is, then you hate makeup OR true crime. Shoot, you might even hate yourself. Bailey Sarian is the pioneer on YouTube for Makeup, Mystery, Makeup MONDAYS (*theme song*). If you are a fan, you know her theme song and it’s going your head right now or you’re singing it out loud. It’s 5 a.m. here so I can’t yell it.

If you are a fan, you ALSO know that these cases have been heavy on her *click* NOGGIN and this means it’s going to be good. Bailey Sarian is a beautiful young lady (yes, I can call her that, I’m old compared to all these people I am talking about but (as always) I don’t look it LOL) who has killed it in the YouTube world just by her ability to tell stories, have dark humor, encourage her viewers, and beat her face while doing it. Yes, the girl can SLAY a face. She does her makeup and, sometimes she might not know where the look is going, but she makes it work. A lot of the true crime people LOVE Halloween so, during Halloween, many true crime podcasters and Youtubers go out of their way . No clue but I hate all holidays, howEVER, if it means more content, I’ll like it. LMAO!

In addition to MMMM, Bailey Sarian does Dark History where she doesn’t do makeup but talks about historic things that have happened that are lesser known. She just started that series which is a podcast and is on YouTube. But, again, no makeup (yes, I am crying inside). Dark History airs on podcast mediums on Wednesdays and on YouTube on Thursdays. I would suggest you check it out. It’s VERY good.

No lie, she has commented to me on Twitter and I was all happy. I also have her palette. It has some nice colors and all that fun stuff.

Follow Bailey on:

Brittney Vaughn

What can I say about this young lady? She is a piece of work and she is just one of those people that you have to instantly like. Brittney is also a GREAT story teller who does makeup and true crime. Her series airs on Tuesdays and Thursdays (so far we’ve got Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday for true crime with makeup) and are full of tons of entertainment. She just moved to Texas (“Beyonce Land”) and is out here on these streets trying to get her beautiful French Bulldog into Hogwarts. And then she turned around and got a new puppy as well. It’s a girl named Bella. Blu got accepted into Hogwarts so now we have to get Bella in there as well.

Anyhow, what draws people to Brittney is that sass and the fact that she’s talking to us like we’re her girlfriends. Blu gets chased by geese, we know about it. If a serial killer or just a killer has your astrological sign, she’s gonna shame you. She will. Brittney is one of those people that is relatable. She shared the story of why she started the YouTube channel and how she, just like many other YouTubers, didn’t think anyone would watch. I believe she got her plaque for all her subscribers and I’m sure she will get another one soon enough.

Brittney always acknowledges Bailey and has suggested other true crime YouTubers that are up and coming. This is very important to those of us that like constant content. It’s also beautiful to see how much these influencers support one another. If you look in the notes for her episodes, she lists at least four other people.

If you want to follow Brittney, here you are and you’re welcome because you won’t regret it:

  • 🐣Twitter | GlamazonGod
  • 👻Snapchat | Bvaughn02
  • 📸Instagram | GlamazonVaughn
  • Email: Bvaughn021@gmail.com

Better Off Red

Sara is a newer YouTuber that has done makeup for a while but she has added “Crue Trime” to her repertoire. She is a bit of an unlikely source of comedy. Brittney actually suggested that we watch her. I did and I was stuck after that. I would suggest you watch the vid below. This broad was singing that “Dead Giveaway” song and I swear I was dying.

She is very funny and I am sure she is going to get her play button from YouTube very soon as she is at about 45K subscribers right now. Hopefully her numbers will continue to grow. She really is funny and tries to do local crimes as she is in the DC area (not far from me) so that makes things kind of cool too for the locals here.

Follow Sara here:

I would suggest going ahead and binging Sara’s vids as I had to do with all the others (Bailey, Brittney, Sara anddddddd……. Mike).

That Chapter with Mike Oh

One of the few male YouTubers that I watch because… makeup is Mike Oh. Mike doesn’t put makeup on but he has a great Irish accent so he wins for that. I love to watch his videos because he does a lot of good research but it’s just him and he’s still entertaining. Many people that just sit and tell the stories seem too rehearsed and boring. There are some that are popular that I just can’t get with but Mike isn’t one of them. With over 1.3M viewers, we can’t all be wrong.

True crime can be matter of fact and funny at the same time. Many people don’t understand that concept but Mike has found the perfect mix in his vids about many cases that a lot of people haven’t even heard of.

We also love how he says “three” as “tree”. But Mike Oh is one of those YouTubers that has been in this game for a while. I stumbled upon him through suggestions on another of the aforementioned YouTuber’s vids. I am glad that I found him and he has a TON of content out there. Definitely “give it a goo” (I think that’s what he says).

Mike puts his vids out twice a week. I just click on them as soon as I get the notification (I do this for all mentioned as I have no life and there is usually a time where I go on YouTube and look for things).

Mike can be followed on

In the End

These YouTubers are out here giving people life while speaking of untimely, and sometimes brutal, deaths. This is a form of therapy to some including the YouTubers themselves. I know that, in Brittney’s case, her therapist told her to play in makeup and do whatever as a form of therapy. Look at what it has gotten her. All of these YouTubers, no matter how long they have been doing this, have been the source of laughs, tears, and entertainment. We all should appreciate, acknowledge, and support them all because of this. It’s not easy to put yourself out there for the masses. So, my thanks to all that were mentioned and some that I will talk about later as far as true crime (there are some up and coming true crime YouTubers).

This is just part one because I was really going to put my Kpop people on this but this would be extra long SO this is part one of a two part series. So, the next part will be Kpop Commentary and Comedy. There are many. The comedy is Kpop and non Kpop however and it’s going to be a lot longer than this list. THEN I’m going to cover podcasts that I love but that should just be a one part post (doubt it).

Thank you so much for reading this far. I really appreciate it.

It’s My Birthday….Big WHOOP!

Eh…..

As most of you know, I was raised a Jehovah’s Witness so birthdays literally are just another day to me. I like to get the wishes and to know that people think about me (or Facebook tells them) to tell me that they’re happy I’m alive.

I know my ex knew that I didn’t celebrate birthdays and he said “I just want to celebrate the day that God gave you life and gave you to me.” Does he feel that way now? LMAO1 NOPE! He probably wishes I jumped off that bridge. Okay, he doesn’t, we are amicable because I was the horrible one in that relationship. I could have been married. LOL

How Did My Birthday Go?

HA! You wanna know how it went? Man, I woke my kid up and she gave me attitude all morning. Today was the first day of school. I told her to take a shower, she told me she didn’t have time. I wake her up at 5:30 a.m. but I guess it’s going to be 5:00 a.m. from now on. It doesn’t hurt me. I go to sleep early.

This broad caught an attitude when I told her to tuck her shirt in her pants. The irony is that she tucks her shirt into her pants when they shouldn’t be BUT, when I tell her to do it……nope!

Then I got a text from my mother letting me know her health problems. So either I was going to have to take her to a doc, or see if someone else would. My sister did and she still wasn’t seen after they triaged her. I told her to go home and try again later.

This seems to be the start of what happened last time and she really needs a colonoscopy and that’s an issue because we’re trying to find a sooner appointment for a new patient for a GI.

Okay, but what good things happened?

  • Free Starbucks
  • Free Chipotle Sides
  • Gift Cards to BOTH of these places
  • I still have a job
  • I didn’t go off on my kid for always talking back and even had to pray
  • Didn’t tell my dad to STFU when he was complaining about everything that no one can control because my mom is showing signs that she is sick again.
  • Planned to get a pedicure….. didn’t because….. people
Accomplishments

Man, what did I do? This year, I managed to get back to the psych ward (see Psych ward) didn’t kill anyone including myself, went to see a great podcast show. I got the most views ever in my 8 years of blogging with 392 views on my I Went to a Podcast Show “Alone” post. in ONE day.

I have been trying to read more, doing more things that make me happy that are simple such as playing my games on my phone, coloring, listening to music, and even got myself a treadmill to help with my mental health. I read more (or listen to Audible) and I’m still working on learning new languages as well as playing more in makeup.

Work in Progress

I’m not perfect and never will be but I learn more about myself every day. I learn more about life and my daughter. I failed a little bit this year but I can only come out stronger. If I don’t learn anything from any of the experiences I have had this year, then it was a real fail. So, in that sense, I have NOT failed. I’m getting better with every year. I make goals that are written down in my calendar.

I just need to step my game up. My biggest goal is to get a house where Gary can run around and I can walk him in a nice neighborhood. I’m going to have to win the lottery or find some blind, rich dude to marry me. Years ago, I said I was going to be working from home. That’s what I’m doing now.

So I’m going to speak a home into existence. I need to speak a vacation into existence too. A beautiful beach so I can smile like a dummy while standing in the ocean. It makes me so happy to stand in water. It’s not the same as standing in the tub. LOL

In the End…..

Today wasn’t the best day BUT I survived the year. I made it. And I got free things to boot. This day is not all about me. It’s about everyone that helped me to make it this far and there are a lot of you guys. Thank you so much for helping me be a better person even when we don’t agree. I like having people that challenge me, support me, support my DAUGHTER, and just truly CARE. I have so much to write about this and how people have rallied around me. These people weren’t around for the first visit to the psych ward. Some may have thought I was lying. But the change in people after my stay on the floor of death, has been beauitful.

I promise I will be writing about a lot of happier things. I don’t want my newer readers to think that all I do is think negatively and complain. I truly don’t. I’m just real about a lot of things and I don’t have any shame in who I am, how I am, my diagnoses, etc.

As always, thank you for reading my blog and I hope to see you soon with a nice, fun, post. I shall promise this to you. And as No Doubt says:

I Don’t Like People and Other Stories About My RBF (Resting B*tch Face)

People seem to have a problem with the fact that my face is always looking like “I don’t like you, get out my face or go take a walk somewhere else.” Well, most people know this as Resting B*tch Face (RBF). People wonder why I’m always looking like that and there are plenty of reasons.

Defense Mechanism Against Stupidity

The first one is that I really just use it as a defense mechanism. I don’t want you coming to me for anything or even talking to me. Because I don’t like people.

I know that this is hard to believe because I am a very personable person and most people like me but people are humans and humans tend to like to mess with people or be rude. So, before they start getting on my nerves, I turn them around before they even try.

I grew up in an area that wasn’t horrible but wasn’t great either. In order to get people NOT to bother you, you have to give off a vibe (that sometimes people tend to ignore) that you don’t want to be bothered and they might be in danger. People look at your demeanor when it comes to robbing and stealing unless it is personal. But you have to let folks know they need to go somewhere else.

Shyness Was Also a Thing

Someone commented on my RBF and why they called me Evileen when I was younger. What they didn’t understand was that I was extremely shy and JUST DID NOT WANT PEOPLE TO TALK TO ME. I hated when I had to ride in cars with my friend’s parents to go pick up my friends because I was so shy it hurt.

I was just telling someone that my best friend’s dad picked me up to take me to pick my friend up from her piano lessons and I was just sitting in the car looking out the window hoping he didn’t talk to me. And I loved their family. I just literally didn’t know what to say.

Hatred of Bullies and Knowing My Temper

As a teenager, I kept that face as well. One lady gave me that hateful nickname because she said I always looked mean. Well, that was because sometimes people say things that piss you off and you want them not to even attempt to do it …. but they do it anyway. So that face is sitting there because you’re not trying to jab them in the throat.

Even AS A TEENAGER, I knew my temper. I knew it very well because I would get so angry that I had palpitations at a young age. I was killing my heart and I knew that. I had to learn to calm myself down because I was extremely violent when I was a teenager (see that story in The Story of My Mental Illness). So, when people tried to mess with me, I would go literally from 0 to 1000 real quick and it could get bad. But it was worse for me physically. Emotionally, it was pretty bad as well because I had to learn not to keep holding my rage inside of me but I also had to learn how to let the rage out in a way that didn’t hurt anyone. So I started working out at a young age. Weights were my friends and I used them. It was better than hitting people or having to go to jail.

I also had to make the Three Strikes Rule. I kept good mental inventory of someone constantly messing with me. That’s when I gave myself permission to go off. If you constantly were just messing with me, there was no start over on the count. I was just going to get you one way or another. I lost jobs because people loved to pick on you while you were working and minding your business. I think I have lost 3 jobs including the last one I had before the one I have now (I needed to lose that job).

The new manager was just literally a trash bag and, whatever she gets in life, she deserves it. She was so bad that people were just leaving. I had been at that practice for almost 7 years, been through 3 managers before she came, and she came in micromanaging. No one liked her and she was just a lurker which was annoying.

The day I knew I was fired, she kept messing with me and then told me I wasn’t a team player although I had written a memo to the medical staff in the back office months prior to this “issue” being brought up. She talked and kept talking standing behind me while I tried to do my work. Just kept talking. So I told her she needed to go somewhere because you’re really trying to pick a fight. She kept running that mouth and, honestly, it would have been her last day on this earth but she wasn’t worth it.

I had already been looking for a job. Anyhow, they sent me home for the rest of the day. She claimed I was cussing and that there were patients and stuff. Whatever. Anyhow, I went and got all my stuff just in case they fired me on Monday which they did. When it was time to bounce, I took my lil bit that I left and bounced up out there. Too bad they forgot to ask me for passwords.

Anyhow, she started all that and I wasn’t the only one complaining. I had also been talking to the doctors about the grievances that the rest of the staff had with her but that didn’t matter because this broad is a liar. So she can stay there while I work from home at the job I got 1 month after being fired. Thank you, Mandy (yes, her name would be Mandy, ole trash bag).

I often think about what I would do to people that have done me dirty if I see them in the street. There was another one too. She’s probably dead by now but she really deserved a good punch in that crooked nose of hers.

See this is the other part of me that can be mean but my main way of showing how mean I am is hitting people. I hate that talking mess. And Mandy almost got swung on because you don’t come behind someone and keep talking when they’re not talking to you. I asked her to leave me alone too. Same day I was fired, she announced that she was preggers. Good thing I didn’t beat her *ss. But she almost got it. The kid is out of her now though. Kid is like 6 now so…..

In The End….

This is really why I don’t “people” much. I have a temper and people are my triggers (see: Knowing Your Triggers). It depends on the environment and the people’s auras. But I really stay away from people so much that I rarely leave my home because even driving pisses me off so bad.

I might be doing better and learning more about myself as a person but I’m always trying to keep myself away from jail or the stupid psych ward. That was just a mess and I should be embarrassed for having to go twice. Maybe I need to stop making promises because I straight promised I wasn’t going back there and ended up right back there 12 years later.

So, if you see me with my RBF and you want to be funny and piss me off, don’t say you weren’t warned. I’m one of the nicest people until crossed. Once crossed….I can’t guarantee my response. I do my best not to go back to that place but that’s why I also write these. I reflect on where my actions come from and what to do in the future ON MY END (because you can’t control other people). The best thing for me is to take people in small doses. Well… unless it’s a Kpop concert (see: How Kpop Changed My Life (Part 3): That Time I Saw SuperM Live) or one of my favorite podcasts (see: I Went to a Podcast Show “Alone” ) .

I actually have to tell you about my favorite podcasts and YouTube people. Maybe that’s next. Maybe it’s not. Who knows? I just live here. LOL

Dumb Crap on My Mind

Mad
  • If I hadn’t gone to the flippin psych ward, I would still have my streaks on Duolingo and MyFitnessPal. I kind of don’t even want to keep up with my languages anymore because I’m bitter.
  • I don’t want to do anything today. I went to take a nap at lunch and got mad for no reason.
  • Why is it a crime to commit suicide? Like why do the police have to get involved if someone is trying to kill themselves and not someone else?
Grateful
  • At least I have a job, a car, a roof over my head
  • My daughter is healthy and she looks cute or whatever
  • We got some overtime for the month which is great because…. poor
  • I have some of the best friends ever and we don’t have to be in each other’s face all the time to know that there is someone that cares
  • I got paid today but …. bills
  • I won $1 on my $1 lottery ticket
Thinking
  • I’m NOT going back to the psych ward but I don’t know what the alternative is
  • The vet called my house for Cutie and Gary in the message and I thought it was the cutest thing. Like they answered the phone and are gonna drive themselves
  • I have a lot of stuff that I should be doing but….. still unmotivated
Random
  • My treadmill would be my friend if I hadn’t put so much oil on it. I tried to run it to fix it and even tried to clean it but it still feels like I will fall if I run.
  • Medical bills suck but at least I have insurance (that one probably should have gone under the Thankful one but I’m lazy)
  • Sometimes I go to sites for expensive things and lament not being a stripper or paying a ton of money to get my body done so some rich person would like me
  • I’m old but at least I don’t look it
  • How come I can’t get drunk and CBD gummies do nothing for me?

In the end…..

I’m still not okay but I can act like I am until I break again.

Yesterday Was my Eight Year Blogaversary!

No, That Isn’t a Word But Whatever

Someone pissed me off back in 2014 to the point that I had to go ahead and write about it. Of course, many people didn’t read it People Just Don’t Get It was one of my first blogs about people claiming to have mental illnesses when they truly don’t know what it’s like to actually have a mental illness. 

It’s not the cool thing to do but, if that’s how you think you get attention, more power to you. I wouldn’t wish bipolar disorder on a soul. The mess is trash and everyone isn’t bipolar so stop throwing  that word around.

Eight Years of Ranting

I want someone to hire me to write but I haven’t done everything that I can to make that a reality. I know I have to make a separate resume for this as my medical resume isn’t really helping with much but the fact that I have education and can show my blog as references of my writing style and skills.

I have so much to give and would like to reach a bigger audience so that I can continuously educate people about mental illness, parenting a child with special needs, dating, having fun, and just trying to survive in this crazy world.

Numbers

I don’t usually get high numbers.  I will say that the last post that I did got about 400 views.  It was mainly because they were gracious enough to allow me to promote the blog about their show in the group.

Do I think I will get numbers like that ever again? NOPE! I bring up old blog posts to get some traffic on them and hope that people’s curiosity would allow them to look at my other work.

I go around to other blogs and follow them hoping for a follow in return.  I like to read a lot of the blogs about lifestyles.  It seems as though people are more forthcoming here. We aren’t judged which is great.

Why Did I Start a Blog?

I couldn’t really say. I just know that something pissed me off and I wrote about it. I’m best at conveying my true feelings in the form of writing. This way, I can think my thoughts out and convey them in a manner that others will understand (or I think they will understand). I think this is why I would rather text than talk on the phone. I like to see what I have said and review what I said to see where the conversation might have gone to the left.

Sometimes I just want to talk about things and it’s not time for me to harass my psychiatrist or therapist but I type all this out and then talk to them about it. My psychiatrist has read a few of my blogs actually. He likes them.

I think the older I got and the more mess I saw on social media, I felt that my voice needed to be heard. People often ask why I am so candid and my thought is that, if I’m not, why would anyone else want to be candid with me? Something that I enjoy doing is helping people. In this format, I don’t have to be in front of you to help you. I can just talk about my experiences and observations and hope that people read and evaluate some things about their surroundings, themselves, goals, family, etc.

The goal is to get people to see how silly it is to act as though mental illness is a taboo subject. It shouldn’t be. Just as I might have Diabetes or Asthma, mental illness is common for many people and can be controlled or eradicatedif it is an acute mental illness. We have to stop putting a stigma on this or there are going to be a lot more people out here self medicating or not channeling their trauma onto something productive.

Sadly, I see this all the time and feel lucky that I did what I did at an early age. I really encourage everyone to look at my other posts or just look at the contents and see what might interest you. I talk about everything and usually tag some of my old and useful blog posts from the early years into conversations. Why? Because the topics are brought up so often, you get sick of talking about it so you write about it instead. No need to even repeat myself.

Anyhow, I am proud that I have made it to 8 years of blogging. I need more consistency but my life always gives me something to “rant” about. I have so much more to talk about regarding the aftermath of my visit to the behavioral health hotel so please look out for it.

Again, thanks for reading and, if you would like to share, please do so.

I Went to a Podcast Show “Alone”

Why I Don’t Do People

I am an introvert.  If you have been following my blog, you know how I feel about “peopling” and all that good stuff.  I am not a fan of people.  I don’t like people.  People are rude.  People are a trigger for me. 

With that said, you saw from my post about How Kpop Changed My Life (Part 3): That Time I Saw SuperM Live and all the fun that I had among those people because we all shared the same love of Kpop.  The same can be said of the show that I went to see.  I was in the midst of writing a post about my favorite podcast and YouTube shows but this happened and I need to talk about it.

I listen to a lot of podcasts but the first one I started listening to by chance when the world died was Obsessed with:  Disappeared.  I don’t know how I started listening to it.  Maybe it came up as recommended on Spotify or I just wanted to listen to true crime instead of watching Snapped all day every day. Either way, I came across this show.

Why Obsessed With: Disappeared?

Patrick Hinds is the host of a wildly popular show called True Crime Obsessed and he also has a network. So he hosts a show called True Crime Obsessed where they watch all kinds of true crime shows and give their commentary on it. They have done The Staircase, Don’t F*ck with Cats, Tiger King, etc (hit their Patreon if you want more right here:  https://www.patreon.com/TrueCrimeObsessed ).  The podcast is really funny.  The cohost for that show is Gillian Pensavalle and she is a mess too.  I think I probably heard them talking about the new show on this now that I think about it. 

Anywho, when the world died (yes, I said ‘anywho’), Broadway shut down as well.  In steps Ellyn Marsh, probably one of the funniest women that I have come to “know” and love.  When I talk about her, I call her my friend. Obsessed With: Disappeared was the FIRST Patreon I ever subscribed to. Anyone in their Facebook group that KNOWS me knows that I was like “I ain’t payin for anybody’s Patreon.” Yeah, that was a lie.  The show is great.  It’s worth the money. They do trivia on the first Friday of every month.  It is everything.  They also do a Friday Night Live on Instagram where some of the funniest things have happened including Patrick (we call him Patricia) falling out of a chair after making lewd comments about one of Ellyn’s gorgeous brothers (thankfully, I am on the bed so I can’t fall off) and then the time when Patricia got SO mad that we were being “mean” to him that he would come on the live, leave, come back, say nothing, then leave again. 

Everything is all in good fun and we’re all just a crazy, dysfunctional family.  Ellyn and Patrick have been friends for over 20 years I believe and their stories are some of the best.  This is what it’s like to have a real friend for that long.  They have included us in harassing one another and everything.  But, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. Oh, their Patreon link is:  https://www.patreon.com/obsessedwithdisappeared  and it is worth the money.  I can say this because, as my mom says, I am a “miser”.  I don’t give my hard earned money to anyone, literally especially when it’s for me.

Sadly, I am all caught up so I’m going to wait until they get more content and then reinstate my membership.  I binge and I need to have a bunch.  I put that in my note when I canceled (I LOVE you guys but um….. I’m not the richest person in the world.  I could get Starbucks with that $5 LOL). 

Trying to Explain Podcasts to People

Explaining what a podcast is shouldn’t be hard but people don’t really understand the concept.  Basically, you can listen to podcasts anywhere on just about any subject you would like.  My subject of choice since well before the pandemic has always been true crime.  It’s why I was watching Snapped all day on the weekends. I love true crime and wanted to be a Forensic Psychologist but….. poor.

For some reason, people don’t understand and explaining it to them is like speaking a different language.  So, when I said I was going to a podcast show, people were all the way confused.

Basically, this show talks about a show on ID called Disappeared.  They give their commentary and basically make us laugh while respecting the person that the show is about. They mainly talk about the bumbling law enforcement or sometimes the overzealous people that go out of their way to find their loved ones.  Although I’m not sure “overzealous” is the word when it comes to looking for your loved ones.  Either way, they have some great quotes and these two go IN on each other in every show.  EVEN THE COMMERCIALS ARE HILARIOUS!  So the Patreon episodes have no commercials but I listen to them with commercials because they are funny.

If Patrick is not harassing Ellyn for failed marriages or how fine her brother is (he fell out of a chair and they have a pic of his sock when he fell out of the chair), Ellyn is singing songs and telling some of the funniest stories you will ever hear.  It’s like ear hustling people you would never meet otherwise.  I mean, a whole Broadway star (Kinky Boots, Pretty Woman, Priscilla, Queen of the Desert: The Musical, etc) and Patricia who has written books, failed at daycare (inside joke), and is just doing a lot to help other people follow their dreams when it comes to doing what they love.  This dude is cool people and I say this even though I USUALLY take Ellyn’s side in arguments because I’m a DB (Down Bitch) but he has my heart as well. 

The Tour

So, we have a tour that they started.  I believe they started the tour in Nashville, TN.  I can’t say I care because I don’t live there.  Anyhow, when they said they were coming to DC, I could NOT let them come here and not be able to see them. I had told them when they started that, if they EVER came here, I would break out of my introvert shell and go ALONE as no one understands true crime in my immediate circle of friends. 

I mean, they’ll listen to me talk about it but they’re not trying to listen. So who do I share my inside jokes with?  Who do I laugh at the sock pic or the guy that tried to bargain with the “toll taykah” or even Prince and Elton John jokes?  NO ONE but my DBs in the Obsessed With: Disappeared group.  These people are SO nuts that they are FRIENDS with the voice over guy, Christopher, from Disappeared.  These people are so COOL that they are friends with Adnan Syed’s family  friend and lawyer, Rabia (she needs no last name in our circle).

So when I talk about Ellyn and Patrick, I say “my friends” because they are my friends (at least in my head). People look at me like I’m stupid but, at that show, I learned that I was no longer alone and that I have a “people” that I can tolerate.

“Peopling”

Most of you know that people are a trigger of mine and I have discussed this at length in many of my other posts so I will not bother you with that.  I learned, however, that “peopling” with those that have the same interests as you is not hard at all. 

I went to the show alone.  Just as I did with SuperM.  I didn’t want to have to explain the inside jokes to anyone or force someone to go. So I didn’t.  I, again, took myself.  I purchased VIP tickets ($75.00), told Ellyn, and started on my mental downward spiral of all the things I had to prepare for:

  • Can I back out of this? Crap, I already told Ellyn I was going.
  • What am I going to wear?
  • I hate driving in DC.  What’s the parking like?
  • Man, where is this place in the first place?
  • Why in the world did I say I was going to this?

But… after telling people to come on their own and all that great stuff, I did it.  I did it.  My neighbors are special needs teachers and had told me that, if I needed them, to use them.  So I basically just asked them to listen out for my daughter.  I knew for a fact that she would be dancing.  I ordered her a pizza, got dolled up (I have a lot of makeup that I don’t use because I don’t go anywhere), and I left. 

Getting There

I hate driving in DC so I got a Lyft.  My first Lyft driver wasn’t very talkative until a OneRepublic song came on and he started singing.  In my head, I was like “Sang it, Lyft driver!” Then someone called his phone while he was singing and he was mad.  I was like “Yup, I know the feeling.”

So, I got to the Miracle Theater which is really nice. The first thing I thought to myself is the fact that I live near so much culture and beauty and don’t experience it much. I made a promise to myself to come back as I saw two restaurants that I want to try out.

I’m Here, Now What?

I’m standing outside and I know no one. I decide to take a picture of the sign for the show and someone asks me if I want to take a picture in front of the sign and I’m all like “No.” I am one of those people that doesn’t like to ask people for anything or take anything when offered. I’m weird, I know.

I observed the people outside and noticed that a lot of them were there solo. When they called for the VIP group, I got in line and then we started talking about how we came by ourselves, why we came by ourselves, where we came from, etc.

Our stories were all the same. We could have brought someone but no one really understands it like those that actually listen religiously. In the end, just like a the SuperM concert, I wasn’t alone. I was with MY people. I got a front row seat because there was no assigned seating which was really cool. So we all sat one seat away from one another and started talking.

This little feisty woman comes and asks if she could sit in the seat next to me and I’m like “No” and she sat down anyway. Well, she is now my bestie. I mean, the GALL! We were cracking up. We all pretty much became like a family in that short time before the VIP portion started where we got to ask questions of Patrick and Ellyn.

Among My People

I might have been one of a hand full of Black people there but it didn’t even matter. We all talked, bonded, talked about our jobs which was crazy. I was sitting beside a Chief Magistrate and, on the other side of me (the little nutty lady that sat down beside me without my permission) was someone in the medical field that worked with clinical trials. I am also in the medical field as a coder so then we started talking about things like mental health and I told her about my blog and said that I would definitely be writing about this touching experience.

I was literally telling them about what was going on with me and going to the psych ward. No judgment or anything was felt at that moment. The Magistrate was there with her daughter who was 14 and we were laughing because they put two X’s on her hand to indicate that she wasn’t supposed to have liquor. She took everything in stride and Ellyn told her to stay in school. LOL

What was really cool to me (of course) was that they acknowledged me by name. Have you ever felt that important to have your name said in the VIP portion as well as during the show? I mean, that probably made my whole year. Again, just as it was at the SuperM concert, I was a part of a family. We were from different places, backgrounds, races, and it didn’t even matter because, at that moment and beyond, we were all family.

Daisy!!!!

In the End….

Just as my little nutty seat stealing friend said, it’s going to take us years to go back out and “people” again. It’s interesting that a lot of us are introverts. Introverts aren’t just people that stay to themselves but we are people that can exhibit extrovert qualities in certain situations BUT it takes a lot out of us. That experience was great BUT it will be a while before I do something like that again. It took me 2 years to get out after the concert that I went to.

I will say that I will never forget the experience nor the people that I met. I am also grateful to Patrick and Ellyn for bringing so many people from all walks of life together and even getting many of us out of our comfort zone.

Thanks again, Patrick and Ellyn. There were a lot of friendships that were formed on that day and I hope that there are many more to come in the following shows on the tour.

When I left, I called my daughter. She has autism as well as a moderate intellectual disability and isn’t really knowledgeable of tone or feelings of others but she said to me “You sound like you are smiling.” My reply was “I am. I am happy.”

Losing Weight

In my other post about being a skinny African American girl Being a Skinny, Black Girl in America, I talked about how I gained weight and the response of African American men to my change in size.  This blog is going to do a lot of talking about the problem that I have with losing weight and what society has to say about it (because you know that society ALWAYS has to have a say in why you do things as well as how to do them).  Sadly, some people feel that what they are saying is encouraging to you but, to someone like me that has been on both sides of the coin, some of what you’re saying is extremely offensive.  And lets not get into the stupid myths that people like to throw out there.  So lets get started.

“Why are you trying to lose weight?  You’re fine.”

I’m sorry but did I ask you if I was fine?  I know I’m fine. My self-esteem is great.  Thanks for the compliment but I have lived all this time in my shoes and I see myself on a daily basis.  I want to lose weight because I want to lose weight.  I make goals for me, not for others.  I know what I am capable of and I know that I can be and do better.  

“Men Like a Woman with Meat on Their Bones”

Doesn’t that sound familiar?  Remember when I was skinny and people told me that no man wants a skinny woman?  Yeah, they use the same “encouragement” when you want to lose weight for yourself too. So fun.  Again, I don’t care what anyone thinks about anything that has to do with my body. I know how happy I am when I am in shape, seeing my muscles, and being lean.  I am proud when I can run miles without getting winded. I am proud when I can go up on my weights in my (home) gym.  I miss my little gym. I say this often but I miss my brother so much.  I’m one of a few women that go to that small gym and it has been closed for COVID and it’s just sad that I can’t see my folks anymore and I don’t know if I will ever see them again.  But working out with them or running them off weights made my day.  

But I don’t ever go to the gym JUST to pacify men especially because I really don’t want a man.  I will never do anything JUST to pacify a man. I love me. I love myself either way but I love myself more when I feel accomplished and, losing weight will make me feel more accomplished because I know what I can do. 

Not too long ago, I was talking to a coworker that reached out to me as his son completed suicide and he wanted to talk to me about my bipolar disorder. I told him that my drug of choice was running.  Since I hadn’t been able to run on a treadmill, I had become extremely depressed and unmotivated.  I cannot run with a mask on  and I don’t run on concrete for the sake of my knees and hips.  So, when I ran one day after not running for a whole year 3 miles in 47 minutes, I was high for a good 5 days.  I needed that high again.  

Because of this, I got a treadmill. So I feel a lot better and the weight is coming off.  Mind you, I still walk my dog.  That heat makes it hard.  I literally get out and walk him for long periods on the weekend as that’s the only way that I can get him out before heat comes up.  During the week, I can’t walk him at like 6:00 a.m. but that will change because my daughter is going to be done with summer camp (thankfully) so we can get out there and walk a good hour before work. Yay!

In the End….

I learned (later in life than I should have) that I have to do things on my own for myself.  I don’t want anyone to think I am doing anything for anything but my daughter.  Others that I don’t know, know, have yet to know….. I don’t care about their opinions.  I am going to make it to my license weight  again on my own.  I’m 231.8 lbs as of now but I will get back to 187 lbs again. 

I am doing Real Appeal again through my job and I am very confident that I will do this by the end of the program.  If not, my job will pay for it again. LOL  

But just know that sometimes people do things for themselves. I want to be able to run 5k in a shorter time again.  And I will do it because I did it before so I know I can do it again.  Thanks to C25K, I will get there again and then I will do C210k next. Watch me! 

 

Tales from the Psych Ward (Part 4): The Final Countdown

Let’s Be Honest

As annoyed as you are reading about this stupid inpatient stay, that is how annoyed I am about it. This is the final piece of this stupid experience. I will talk more about where I will go from here, my family, my friends, people that have reached out to me, etc.

On my last day, I was just ready for 1:30 p.m. to come around. They asked me the same old stale questions that anyone can lie their way out of and then was given to a nice woman named Njeri from MinDoula. I actually told her that I had blogged about the company. Personally, I feel that they should have staff from there doing 1:1 consults while you are in the psych ward.

Resolution

When I was leaving, Njeri gave me her information and stated that she would check on me and that I could use the app. I told her she can email my work email because I’m usually on it. Since I have been out of the place, she has called, texted, and emailed me. If you are a big provider or corporation, I swear this is probably one of the best things that they could have done. Shoot, I might even talk to my employer about this.

To have someone that you don’t know just check on you. That’s kind of cool because some people don’t have the support system that I am actually blessed to have.

Grievance Filed

I actually was going to write a formal letter (and I might still do that) but I filled out the little form on their site and I wrote my life away because I like to write. I told them that I recognized that they had merged with MedStar Health in 2012 but that I expected that it would make things better. I talked about how the first time I was there (sad, I know) was around 2008 and things were a lot different. Some things changed for the better, some for the worst, and some not at all.

My first issue (no matter how petty it is, it still is an issue) was the food. Twelve years ago when I was there, we had the same food as all the hospital had. I know this because the food was actually good. My mother was just in that hospital before they transferred her to Georgetown and she loved the food (and she’s picky).

Anyhow, I put it into the perspective that it’s pretty dehumanizing to give us different food than the rest of the hospital and I wanted to know their reasoning on doing so. If I have insurance that pays very well, why exactly can’t I be treated like everyone else in the hospital ? I’ve never thrown my food at anyone or wasted it. So why is our food different? That $10k charge they sent me should have meant my food would be bomb. But nah, cold pancakes and sausage that you had to ask the med techs to warm up for you was what we got. Sandwiches with just turkey, no mayo, no mustard, that’s what we got.

I also complained about the fact that they literally don’t care about the physical health of the people in the behavioral health (BH) ward. I feel that that’s pretty messed up especially if you’re in a whole hospital. How bad can it be to do an x ray on someone that has knee problems (my roommate)? When I was there 12 years ago, I had ruptured the tendons in two of my fingers. It would have been nice if they had taken an x-ray or something to see that. Thanks to them not caring that I couldn’t move my two fingers due to the fact that the tendons were ruptured and you literally only had 3-5 days to reattach them easily, my fingers are still messed up. I could take the tendons from my wrist and reconstruct it but I felt that I needed to keep a reminder. I can do enough and my main goal was to be able to write again which I can so I’m not petty and I chose to let it go because I really wanted to never think of that place again.

A young girl was standing at the nurse’s station and fell and hit her head. That was the ONLY time I saw them take anyone downstairs for their injury likely because it happened and everyone saw it. When my roommate’s knee gave out on her, they asked “Did anyone see it?” Her knee gave out on her a number of times and they just gave her a wheelchair. They could have at least done an x-ray to see what was up. But….no. She had bowel problems and they told her that they needed to see it. So the next time she had them, she pushed the call button for them to come and look to make sure she actually HAD diarrhea (you could smell it but okay) and they didn’t even come.

My grievance about the nurses was pretty light because some were very nice and caring. Some acted like they really didn’t want to be there. I mean, then go home. Shoot, the doctor always got to go home. Why is there only ONE psychiatrist? The other doctors and NPs were just there but really weren’t that helpful. found that to be interesting. I also found it to be extremely interesting that I had to stay for 5 days although I signed the 72 hour form. Yes, I complained about that. Because I was ready to fight everyone ( just like the last time) because I knew what I signed. A NICE nurse came and explained it to me and calmed me down but I was about to have to get a shot in the butt.

I also made it VERY clear that the only people that seemed to be going above and beyond in their jobs were the med techs. I mean that. When I posted the job description in my last post about this, I was mad when I saw how much they made. They work 12 hour days and get paid about $35k. And they do more than the flippin doctor and the nurses combined in all honesty. I mean, they could come around and ask those three stale questions if they wanted to. I would rather them ask than the doctor who really didn’t care about your answers; just wanted to know how many more meds to give you.

The hospital has already contacted me regarding my grievance and stated that they have given it to the Director and that I will get two letters in the mail regarding this complaint.

When it was time for us to leave, the med tech’s words were this:

We hope you don’t have to come back here but, if you do, we won’t judge.

Random Med Tech Man That was FIONE but had blue contacts that made him look weird.
The Shot in the Butt
Photo by RF._.studio on Pexels.com

I have NEVER had to get one BUT, when you get a shot in the butt, it starts your inpatient time over. A lot of people have had to get that shot. The lady that asked me what I was looking at (I observed her quite a lot and think she had schizophrenia) got the shot so much, I’m not sure how she was able to sit down. They were looking to get the shot for ME when I was ready to kill the girl that claimed that I had bumped her. Because I was really going to do her harm. I went to the room, punched the hard bed, my hand was bloody but then I was going to start plotting.

I don’t do very well with disrespect which is why I don’t “people”. I don’t really do well with rude and disrespectful people, especially when I’m just minding my business. So I do things when I know no one will be around. The ONLY reason I went down to the group room was because they wanted to talk to my roommate alone. That was it! Then she wanted to pick a fight. I was literally thinking of ways to kill her.

You see, they take all pencils and pens from you after your art class. And you should see the lil flimsy pencil they give you. You couldn’t stab a person in the eye if you tried your best. And when you come in, they have to check you for weapons. I forgot about that part. I don’t blame them. LMAO! However, as I tell EVERYONE “EVERYTHING is a weapon”. I don’t need anything. I can poke your eye out. I can slam your head in a door. I can slam your head against the wall. I don’t NEED a weapon to hurt you. Wherever I am, I am thinking of weapons.

I literally got banned off Facebook for 30 days for saying that I would stab someone in the eye with a toothbrush if they popped out of my shower. Protect yourself at all costs. Also, don’t pick fights.

In the End

Don’t expect those people to help you. Expect them to stabilize you to get that check from your insurance. I should tell my insurance to be petty and ask for a itemized bill. That little mess they sent me was NOT itemized and I want to see. That doctor did nothing but prescribe pills and ask me the same question every 2 days or sent someone else in to ask the same questions. He also didn’t work on the weekend. You’re a whole hospital. To me, there should always be someone on staff THERE. Have two flippin psychiatrists, why just one and some NPs? That doesn’t help.

We didn’t get 1:1 care and no one really cared about what was up. In addition to that, the social workers were barricaded in a room like we were going to attack them. And maybe they have been attacked. I don’t know. I know a counselor was attacked the first time I was there by my lil friend. SMH That was just bad.

But, if you’re going to go to the psych ward, know the rules (I should have packed but I just wore the crap I had on because it had no strings and all that good stuff). Have some flip flops and some elastic pants of some kind. If you come in there with sweatpants or some tennis shoes, you won’t get to wear them. I should have brought underwear, pads, I did bring a book, etc, but yeah, be prepared. I wasn’t prepared and I was in a rush.

They gave me those two stupid choices (ambulance or police car) so I had to get in the ambulance. Anyway, that chapter is over and I got some freedom. Now what?

A lot has happened since I have been back so we will talk about The Aftermath next. Some people might not like what I will say and it’s okay. Some people that won’t like what I have to say don’t even care enough to read my blog so they won’t know anyway but there is a lot that takes place and changes after you have made yourself vulnerable enough for people to know that you went to the psych ward. Does it make you look crazy? Weak? Vulnerable? Less than? Well, we’ll check that out next.

Again, thanks for reading.